December Drafts

The words exchanged between us no longer warm me; just like your presence no longer fills me, except places this silence in my chest.

I no longer crave the soft murmur of your lips against mine.

It's strange.

Thinking back on our faded memories of our daylight escapes and late night adventures from this past summer; to fall concerts and sleepovers filled with more; I don't miss you.

Is it bad to say that I don't care anymore?

I don't question your emotions no more because I know we're not meant to be and it'll never happen.

Yet, after our few great moments, I become blinded from the high and believe maybe there really is a chance.

Now that I've decided to let this relationship go, this small ache arises when I visit the places we once explored together, because there are those warm memories with your chilling silhouette.

It's a new day, another morning and you're not beside me; it's strange. 

There's that word again.

Our heartbeats became so in tune with one anothers, and I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of caring, I'm over being a choice.

I've finally accepted that I deserve better than what you've been giving me. So, I feel no shame as I pick up my belongings and leave.

No, it's not like when I left his place at 3am heartbroken, I'm more empowered, and filled with this strength I didn't know I possessed.

There's no song to place this emotion, to express how he's exhausted my hope. So, I just let the remains of whatever is left between us slip away, like the ocean's crashing waves.

Walking Away

It was that pivoting moment when his threats became powerless, did I realize how emotionally manipulative and one sided this relationship was.

I fought so long for the love of a person who had willingly used me, and made me feel like I was more, because they gave me that small piece of more I had never had before.

I found peace in him, with him, just the thought of him placed me at ease.

This dependency has become too much to handle.

I am pulled back to a faded memory in a dim lighted restaurant with my girlfriends, months back in the begining of summer. I'm across a dark wooden table telling them about the man I was falling for; and them warning me that maybe this wasn't the best relationship to seek.

Heads over heels for a man who felt like everything, I so desperately fought to keep him in my life. I just never realized I was giving up a piece of myself each time we argued, seperated, and made up.

I became accustomed to this unhealthy behaviour; I made excuses for him, I tried to rationalize his actions.

And, as much as I'll remember the good times we shared; I should not allow those few great moments overshadow this actions, and reality of our toxic relationship that once existed.

Silence

His words washed through me, as a wave of regret began to sink in.

I could only describe it to be similar to an anchor on my chest, holding me back.

Should I go? I ask myself. 

When I know it won't change anything between us.

I fucked up. I really did.

There's no going back to what we once were because now that's in the past.

Why walk into a situation where I know I'll get hurt.

Should I just be strong and be with him one last time to end our time together on a good note.

My air, my oxygen, is no longer my person.

Why do break ups suck, why do they feel like they just tear a piece of you, and leave you feeling numb.

Numb is better now, it mellows out the pain, it makes it more bearable.

No, it wasn't space that was needed between us two, it was an actual end between the two of us. Actually ending whatever untitled relationship we called this.

I survived this before, and I can do it again. I just wish I was able to do this with you by my side, but we both know that's no longer an option.

Sexto Sentido

Being with him was like watching the sun break through clouds on a rainy day,

Yet, leaving him felt like I was leaving a life behind.

He was my home and he was a large part of my life, because not only did I care for him, but I'm pretty sure I loved him too.

How can I love someone who is so toxic for me?

Someone who made me doubt if I was good enough for them? 

I am invested way too much and don't know how to dig myself out because he helped me become more comfortable in my skin, he showed me what it felt like to actually let someone in that I cared about, he was my first.

The first guy that grazed my skin and touched my heart:

He made me feel like I was fierce and heart warming, 

That it was okay to be me.

I don't know how to live without him since he's been part of my air these past six months.

All I know is that I care about him and I screwed up, and there's no going back.

I just want to go back to where him and I were five days ago, elated to see one another and here we are not speaking. 

So I allow these tears to run down my Cheeks because I know I can't be strong anymore, I've given up. 

Given up on not only him, but us.

Guavas

The scent of guavas filled the air as I walked into his house for the first time, and I was immediately brought back to my childhood days at my grandparents house, where we picked fruit off the guava trees and laughed. As delicately we plucked the fruit from the trees and placed them into our plastic crates, we took them inside and washed away the layers of dirt, all the while creating moments of bliss.

This is what I was immediately reminded of when I walked into the home that I would soon become familiar with for the next four months. Four months of sleep overs, late nights, and first times with a man I believed loved me back.

How can it be that his name caresses my lips so well?

Did it ever occur to me that he would become my very first and last thought through my mind during the day?

His silhouette sends my pulse running, while my beating heart is ignited beneath his touch. Here I am, eager for his smile, his laugh, and the essence of his presence.

Take me back to last night where we didn't feel the need for more, we just shared the space between us and indulged in pillow talk.

Is it strange that I feel closest to you during these intimate moments?

We had an adventure of car rides the other day, driving miles against the sunset missing freeway exits while listening to our favorite songs in the car playing karaoke with one another. I glanced over my left shoulder and never wanted the moment to end as I watched you behind the steering wheel, singing along to your favorite song. I was pulled in even deeper into my feelings for you as the corner of your mouth pulled into a smile and the sound your laugh warmed my chest. There was a gleam in your eyes during this moment and I remember it so vividly.

The closer we get to the end of our relationship, I'm reminded of our great moments on how it all started. I'm reminded of how we both fell for one another.

So seamless, so effortless, our souls complemented one another. You were my first and as bittersweet this may be, I can feel myself giving up on not only you, but us.

I can't continue to keep fighting for someone who won't even try. Why did it take me four months to realize our unhealthy habits and gain the strength to walk away?

We care too fiercely, our passion rooted in our upbringing and culture, urging us to keep going, even if it's time to pull away. 

So, I fall asleep with your pajamas on my skin, and breathe in your scent, wishing it was you instead. I want more, and that's just something you can't give me, and I've realized now that that's okay.

Silent Heartbeats

Last night, I shared the same bed with you as I dozed off on top of your chest.

You made me feel safe and secure because no matter what we faced or how many times it felt like we were tearing apart, we found our ways back to one another.

It was the first time I just listened to your heartbeat for a while.

Do you remember the last time we were this close?

It was our first time, my first time together with you.

So intimate and so vulnerable.

I was reminded back to the Fourth of July when we intertwined our fingers in reclined car seats by the oceans shore, and watched the sun rise.

Before you and me, became we, us.

You've ignited something within me, I never knew existed. Being with you is a reggaeton love song.

I fell for those quick moments when I'd catch a glimpse of your long lashes that guide your gaze when you look at me; the chuckle of your laugh, or the way your smile lights up when you're happy. I fell for those late nights and early mornings, where there was no pressure for more, because us two just being together was enough.

Although, out melody ends in C major, bright and unified. I can't help from grinning, because I'm completely head over heels for you, imperfections, flaws and all. I want you whole, no matter what you look like or become.

To me, you'll always be the man that saw me whole and still wanted to be with me, all of me. Being with you is like ordering three tacos de al pastor and getting four con todo. I never asked for this to happen, it just happened so naturally and so organic, because we just clicked.

However, I know this isn't love because we're not meant to be. As great as this is, we're temporary, you're temporary and it's only a matter of time until we fall back into our old ways and drift apart; but for good. This isn't healthy, and I keep going back to you because I don't want to lose you. But, I should just let go of all of this now before it gets to a point where it's unbearable, like last fall. And, I've gone so far to get pulled back to those days.

You're not just part of my routine, you've become part of the air I breathe and that's when I know I need to take a step back and learn to breathe again, on my own without you. Silent heartbeats fill my chest, and it's your presence in me, it's knowing what could, and yet knowing I shouldn't.

Home

     Last night's dew hung onto the windshield as I entered my car. 11 PM late night drives had become so normal to me, however this time I was home and not twenty miles away. I was going home to sleep alone in my own bed and not alongside him, whom I had shared the comfort of the L shaped couch for the past two months.

     Five months spending time with one another, three months together and two months of us growing with one another; it was a relationship I had never experienced before. Yes, we may have been unhealthy with our constant on and off, however; we always found our ways back to one another.

     The scent of his Old Spice no longer clings to his clothes he's left behind, just like how the sound of my laughter no longer echos throughout the walls of his home.

     Because, for a while he was my home.

     And my, was that an experience like no other.

     I'm grateful for our extended summer romance. He was my first sober love, rooted in friendship and united through laughter, tacos al pastor, and sleepless nights watching cartoons beside the television.

     It's easier to move on, when you can hate them at the same time. His character become unrecognizable at the end, to the man I had gotten to know during our more serious months; he was no longer sweet and kind. He was the cold, distant man I first met, and that's when I realized there really no going back to the man who once made me feel safe, comfortable, home.

     So, I created a home within myself, without him.

Este Noche

Today, not only did I decide to choose joy, yet I allowed myself to smile through the clear skies and ocean waves.

No longer do I long for my wants, because I've learned to let go and let you be.

No statue worth moving, no opinion worth changing, you're nothing more than a broken record, on contant, melodic repeat.

I allowed your words to convince me that I was home.

A false set of walls entered me; you were nothing except a temporary filler.

When I believed you to be permanent, I'm reminded of the person I found myself distancing.

How did our rushed conversations become filled with silence, there was no purpose in being with you if there was no possibility of us, an us.

Este noche, I won't leave with you even if our old habits return.

I've learned to resist the sparkle in your eyes when you glance my way. I won't allow my body to become alive under your soft touch.

The only thing that will ignite, will be my soul as I seek my better self, a self without you.

I can close my eyes and remember our heated seconds. Only seconds, because we were just the flicker of a flame.

L Shaped Couches

Do you think the oceans water at midnight would be warm against my skin, I ask myself as I drive down the highway that once provided solace. Here I am seeking a truth beyond measure, a life worth purpose.

This may feel as though everything is in disarray, but maybe this is the meaning of all this.

As we entered our third month together of our untitled relationship, I couldn't help but ask myself what I was doing.

We had a tendency of having these great moments of us together, clicking with one another and time seeming to pass us by as we watched movies on the L shaped couch and laid side by side. Yet, right when all is going well, we hit a sense of turbulence.

I let my walls down with him.

I opened myself with him in a way I have never done with another. It was never those moments of heated touches that bonded us together; it was the way him and I fell asleep by another side by side in peace, without the need for anything more.

He helped me find a confidence I didn't know existed within me, yet also make me doubt my own worth in a relationship.

His name is no longer a murmur on my lips, just a faint memory of blurred summer nights and early autumn orange hued leaves.

Sola

     Cool 64 degree cofee shops filled with the scent of coffee beans and espresso have a way of speaking to my soul.

     It's been a while since a pen has marked my college ruled notebook, and words seem to fill my mind while my soul seeks a purpose.

     Sola.

     Yo estoy aqui and yo no se qu me quieres.

     Mi vida esta aqui pero todo that awaits me is beyond the barrier that divides my wants from my needs.

     I've learned to become dependent on the numbing sensation in my blood that ignites my insides and eases the reality surrounding me.

     I knowingly know I shouldn't rely on alcohol to calm my beating pulse and surroundings that feed into my energy, me.

     So, I turn back to the sound of the bass and hope it drowns this ache in my chest. School, work, family... him.

     Why can't the cold water brush against my toes and pull this gray cloud like how it does with these waves.

     To love without being loved back explains exactly what the man I wished cared for me  was capable of. And, if that's not that they're not capable, it's that they don't want too.

     He's sweet, respectful and a great guy that I fell for. Despite whatever draw backs that might've pushed me away, helps me to cling even closer.

     I close my eyes and imagine his palm placed on the small of my bak, and pulling me close. But, no. his hands are on another girl and here I am tearing apart inside with each glance I share.

     How does he not know I can't look into his eyes and fall even deeper when he smiles back at me. But, the truth is that he knows and it's not enough, I'm not enough, for him.

     I cling on to him because I want him any way I can have him, not realizing the shards of glass I scrape against my heart, beneath my chest. pressing against my lungs and leaving me breathless wanting more.

Bad Bunny

This warm bed holds me hostage in fear of what lies on the outside.

There's nothing to hold tight against my skin except these sheets, and as I pull the warm covers over my head; I can't help to forget your memory.

You weren't the first, but the first of its kind.

What happened to us?

I'm so proud of this strength I didn't know existed within me, as I fought the urge to contact you within these past 48 hours after we called it a quits.

I find myself replaying your favorite songs and artists in my headphones as I subconsciously still hold onto your fading presence. 

While I drive, I look over my shoulder and catch a glance at where you once sat, and where our bodies intertwined during the night.

But, I can't keep holding onto you, or let you back in when we reunite again because we used each other, and as much as I miss you; I know you much better now and realize you're not what I want, and that's okay.

May have taken me four months filled with daylight escapes and late nights, but I'm glad I never kissed you; even though I so desperately wanted too. I'm glad, because now I know I can breathe without you.

No Hay Titulo

Amor, no hay titulo y estas bien.

Our relationship didn't need a title to explain what we were since it only mattered to us both.

I seek your presence in a crowd and accept the numb stillness that fills this empty void in my chest.

I must accept our lost escapes and false searches for one another.

Was I nothing to you when you felt like everything to me?

I can't help but fight this feeling of searching for you, searching for a lost cause, another goodbye, one more chance.

I leave you be and hope you seek me, like how my eager soul does for you.

Tell me where we stand, because I can't take another day without your voice, another second without your long lashes, another night without your body besides mine.

I raise the volume to match the beating of my aching chest.

One day with you, became a summer season; filled with seedless sunflowers. 

Sunflower

His name left a soft murmur on my lips, almost like how his memories are still fresh in my thoughts.

I saw him today and only glanced for a quick moment before turning away because I didn't want to look at the man who brought me to tears, who made me feel broken.

Yet, this is only part one.

I'll have to continue to see him until the memories fade away and all I see is man, and not the person I was willing to sacrifice myself for.

Is this how love works?

I allow the alcohol to numb my veins as I reminisce on the days we shared. I seek for a reason, a meaning, a sign to guide me to what it means to be whole.

I was finding myself when I met him and pieced myself together as we unfolded with one another, and before our clothes became small piles on the floor, his soul pressed against my skin like his fingertips on my body.

I let him see me, because I so desperately believed he cared for me like how I willing sought him.

It's okay, I already recognize the pattern we've created and realize it's going to be okay.

So, when I look at him now, I don't glance into his eyes in fear he might see what lies beneath. My undisclosed desire that lingers for one more touch, one more breath, a lasting evening of parked car conversations speaking from one soul to another.

Una Noche Más

A thunderous storm hailed in the humid sky, a musk filled atmosphere filled the space around us.

Baby, no me llamas más because I know what I'm feeling is way more than friendship. 

No voy buscando a ti because I'm leaving you in the past, behind everything I thought we couldn't be and will not be.

I hate you for making me feel this way and for introducing me to what it felt like to be wanted and I hate myself for falling for you.

I knew better, I really did. Because you opened my soul before my body became yours, and no matter how many times it was repeated to me that I deserved better; you were the one good thing in all the turmoil in my life.

You brought cool evening skies into my summer nights, friends before this, whatever this is. I thought I'd be able to do it, but how can I walk away from someone whose brought so much light into my life.

It's almost easier to continue hurting myself for the sake of keeping you, because I don't know what to do once you leave.

I knew, from the beginning; but it's your addiction I craved, each and every second.

I craved your presence, the sound of your laugh, the way you'd poke my forehead, the way you felt beside me, inside me.

Pero no es igual, no.

Escápate Conmigo

I raise the sunroof on top of my car and eagerly search for stars above, some type of light to guide me, remind me why I fell for you.

The only things echoing through the walls is the pulse of my beating heart you left.

There's this dull ache in my chest, like someone has taken a piece of me and all there's left is this empty space.

I hope that when you're with her, you don't think of me because I was nothing more than an in between for you when you were an everything for me.

Empty skies fill me and there's no escaping your touch.

I don't want to remember your lips on my skin as you kissed pieces of me reserved for no one except you; yet your lips never met mine. So maybe that's what made it so much easier to just fuck.

Because fuck intimacy when you can cut off emotions and just forget how human our existences are.

You taught me what it felt like to be cold, stop feeling the hearts and butterflies; and my lips learned to kiss nothing except my chapstick.

Yet, it's not fair how I seek your crooked smile in a crowd, and wait to see the glow in your eyes as you laugh. 

I just wish it was easy to escape with you. Escape somewhere where nothing else matters except us, and I'm holding on; holding onto false hope.

So, I remove your name off my favorite list, delete the nickname on my phone and put away the photos of our days together; because there's no use. 

I'm breaking up with you, Because it's a new year and I can already feel myself returning to these old memories I told myself good bye, a long time ago.

Cool Waters

It's like the one person I'm longing for, is the one who's leaving my grasp.

How can it be where this never ending sunny California is changing seasons?

New beginnings, new people, new challenges.

Why is it just hitting me now? How can our late night phone calls of us being eachothers background noise be so full of everything. You're everything I thought I'd never need, yet there you were, with your silly puns and long lashes. You made me feel like no matter what, as long as you were there, despite whatever is going on, you were there and it'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

But, that's not the case anymore because the connection that united us is now gone.

I can feel you pulling away, I can feel myself drawing away from you and learning to depend on the side of numbness, the cold, being alone.

I already know from my past I must be weary, but how can I be cautios of my heart if you're my very thoughts and breaths.

So, I keep you close and hold your memory dear. But, I remove our photos and videos together. This time, we start fresh, go back to our days of friendship. There's no use of wondering if you ever cared or not, because I know you do, you care about me and respect me; just don't feel the same way as I do about you.

You're a lost boy still figuring out life, just like I'm a wide eyed writer soaking in the life around me. I'm healing and know I'm okay and I will be okay.

You're my first summer romance, and I'm okay with us just being that.

Ya Me Enteré

Being with you was different than anyone else that came before.

Your mannerisms and words had a way of seeking to me, touching me; like how your fingers pressed against my skin.

You made me feel alive under your touch, me made me feel wanted, sought, comfortable with me.

No matter how much I want you in my life, it doesn't doesn't take away the space your presence filled when you were there.

You're here but no longer with me, far ahead yet physically distanced from my warm body. 

Your breaths send warm sensations through me, like when I pulled your body closer to mine and you closed the gap of space inbetween our eager bodies.

I hate you yet I can't seem to still care about you at the same time.

I say to leave me alone and not touch me like you once did, but that's exactly what I want you to do, every second we're together and there's no going back.

Leave me and let me be, hurt me and make it easy for me to hate you so I can move on.

Yet there you go again, smiling at me, and reminding me why I fell for you. 

Please, just tell me why I wasn't good enough and why everyone else was for you except me.

Glass Coca Cola Bottles

Being with you, allows me to forget about time; because it seizes to exist when we're together. My craving for you has changed, no longer do I want to be with you intimately, I just want to be with you, your presence.

How can our silly conversations in parked cars with glass Coca Cola bottles be so meaningful? Our daily conversations have become late night escapes into the world, where we drive down the street to grab mangoneadas, tacos or ice cream.

I look forward to our days together and our parked car conversations filled with ridiculous Facebook videos and sing alongs to Reggaeton. So, I ask myself "what do I see in him?" Before, I ask him "what are we?"

Even though the questions still linger in my mind after our hushed phone call, was it just me feeling this the entire time? How did he not feel what I had, did our numbered moments mean anything to him? Were they real, was it natural, was it not meant to be?

Possibly, this entire time we were a story that wasn't meant to be. A wonderful, seamless, joyful adventure with no closed captions, or written ending.

Last Line

Wow.

I guess I really needed to feel all these emotions starting from the blissful high to the utter heartbreak.

Thank you for showing me your real self and I don't care. I do not care anymore.

Maybe it was that 1am phone call, or it took me to delete all of our soft tender hearted messages to one another, that when I read the words I used to once describe you; they no longer seemed to resonate anymore.

I asked you to not promise us anything, and that's exactly what you didn't do. You left without a word and made me wonder why; what went wrong, why you left those unanswered questions linger. But, you leaving was probably the best thing to happen.

I took a chance, I don't regret what we had, so here's me telling you goodbye.

Best of luck to you and hopefully you find someone who completes you, because that's something I wasn't able to give you. May you find your daughter and share a relationship with her despite what is going on because that's another form of you, united by blood. 

Do what makes you happy, and even though you may feel all alone; maybe it's not the people in your life leaving you, but you leaving them.

Think about that.

To the man that I once thought was too good for me, to realize that we were on different paths with unparalleled destinations. So during the time where our trails united, you were my company until you were there no more.

Road trips, life explorations and epiphanies help me to realize how much I don't need you. And, I couldn't be any grateful for that.

To the one who stole my heart, without ever stealing a kiss.

Me Rehuso

I can still feel the imprint of your presence that left scars on my heart, every time I breathe it's like the air gently grazes the pain you left behind.

Maybe I overreacted, maybe I fell too hard, maybe I cared too much; but you made me feel like you wanted more; for you to just leave and forget I existed.

Modern day love is not the kind of affection we shared, we were invested in one another's aspirations, goals and dreams. I never would've thought someone I had never even kissed could tear me up inside like how you do; yet here I am still wanting you even knowing I shouldn't.

Time has a way of working with the sequence of life.

Is it a sign? There must be a meaning behind this ache in my chest that seems to grow every time we're so close, yet so far away.

This is exactly what I feared, sharing my favorite place with someone I thought would be permanent, yet become temporary; so when I go back to the place that brings me joy, I'm left with dull gray colors that cloud the life that once existed.

It's not right. 

Although, its probably for the best. Possibly these past two weeks were to see if we could withhold time apart; before we took our relationship to the next step to just add the miles of distance between us two.

How is it when everything was going wrong, you were the one thing that felt right.

Baby I won't, because I can't, forget the presence you left me. I'll be okay, I'll survive, I can do this without you just like I have before I knew you existed.

Solo eramos nosotros amores de julio y no mas.

El Amante

Before you there never seemed to be a thought of me being with someone who shared the same culture, interests, and quirky backgrounds.

I happened to always find myself attracted to my opposite, but here you are and I can't be any happier. But, how can it be that despite how much we've grown, how much roaming I do, I always find myself back to you. 

I can catch myself growing comfortable with your presence and how much easier it is to breathe round you, and I can just be me, myself.

Yet, what's holding us back? Oh yes, you don't feel the same way. That's okay I guess.

I can feel the emotions building like they once did, but this time around they're tamer and more at ease, rest assured.

Despite the intimacy we've shared, we still seem to find a way to laugh our troubles away.

And I'm afraid that one day I'll look at you and you'll have this sparkle in your eyes that will melt away my doubts, and I willingly fall for you; because of the way you make me feel, and the because I just want to care for you.

That's what I'm scared of, being hurt like I once have been.

You're everything I wasn't looking for, but didn't know I needed and for you I'm thankful for that piece of more you gave me, and the more of us that lies in our future.

More

I left the feeling of your fingertips on my skin behind me, and decided to forget the way you tasted on my lips. The way your body intertwined with me, is a memory I'll just have to face.

Ignited beneath your touch, just like the fireworks in the month of July; it was simple and yet more.

I'm still astounded how we so seamlessly blended our relationship we carry within us now into friendship. Was it our comfort with one another, or the trust we had built.

I'm thankful for the kiss of fire as colors brightened the sky, and something within me.

Who would've thought when we had first met, we would have encountered these situations and navigated our way through, together.

No, not bittersweet, no hesitations or regrets. Just thankful for the opportunity to feel something I haven't felt in a while.

Thankful, for that small piece of more.

Clear Water

Crisp cool ocean air kissed my cheeks as I drove down south on Pacific Coast Highway.

Despite the amount of luscious blue waves that crash along the shore, deep in my chest this ache still lingers. Is this what letting go feels like? I can feel myself pull away, giving up, retreating like I have before.

A gray hue clouds the blue skies, it's daylight and the sun's in a deep slumber.

Can the place that once brought me peace, comfort me this time around? How can someone so temporary feel so permanent?

Why does he make my foreign emotions resurface? How can I be reminded of the time before he even existed.

"Promise me, you won't come around here" I hear my friend say, in  a memory. My friend was referring to San Mateo Road, when I enjoyed the look of men in to and their rugged behavior.

Now, the only person I long for is the person slipping away. If I pull away, will he notice? I want to continue to enjoy meaningful conversations with someone who makes me a priority, makes me feel safe; who doesn't create a hesitation of doubt in my mind.

I ask myself, don't make any promises, please.

As the third month approaches, the image of the red brick structures sharpen, along with the view of green hills and silver pull up bars. Each man from that place I believed to have meant something to me have faded away and maybe in a few months time, he'll be there with the rest of them. With someone new.

The songs I have been searching for to describe me right now, have been found and it's like a melody strings my emotions into a web of lyrics.

Strong. Determined. Eager to breathe new air in my lungs to erase this ache that lingers and weighs in my chest. 

No Promises, Please.

Here I am returning to my little blue book, seeking answers, confirmation, a reason to not fight these burning emotions.

Who knows how many more times I will repeat these words, but he's different, and he makes me want to be a better me. He makes me want to erase my troubled past and start over, be new and refreshed instead of the damaged and used foolish young girl I feel I am.

Do I even deserve him? Why does he like me? Is there a reason to care for him if he'll be leaving so soon.

Writing in warm scented coffee shops allow me to reflect on what I should do.

The conflicted emotions are so burdening and necessary all in one. He's a genuine good man who deserves a good girl and I don't know if I'm even good anymore.

It's wrong to say that my past defines me, but it's also wrong and utterly mesmerizing falling for someone.

"When will I see you again?"

I can still hear his words ring in my ears.

"Oh no, you need to go, we can talk another time" I say, when he interrupts my protest to end our time together because I fear to burden him or keep him from his obligations.

"It's okay, I want to hear more about you, please."

Do I deserve someone so good and genuine, yes. But, why now?

It's like when I finally meet someone, it's suddenly slipping away.

He leaves in one month if everything stays to plan. Fifteen days after my 21st birthday and his daily messages will disappear.

This isn't fair. He's young and has a whole future ahead of him and here I am fighting the urge to hold onto him.

We just met and it already feels like goodbye.

How can I deny the truth that I've learned so well. Men in the military roam, seek out what they don't have, they look for a good time; I would know. And, that is okay; but I don't know if it's right to get attached if I already know the reality of the situation.

Who am I to steal his youth? Who am I to take a chance and create roots with him, before our seeds have even been planted?

With each day that passes, I feel my feelings deepening and my heart aching even more.

Just please, promise me no promises.

Burning Lights

I imagine the electricity that will ignite within me when you kiss me. How can we be so intimate and yet so affectionately distant?

I'm in a constant battle with my emotions for you, for me, and us.

It was just yesterday we were video chatting one another, laughing over your silly catch phrases and my poster filled childhood bedroom. Yet, here I am trying to find a song that resembles what I feel.

I would've never thought of myself to be one hiding behind the curtains to be with you, yet here I am doing just that. It's all in our whispered conversations and hushed encounters where we murmur under our breaths that we won't tell anyone about us.

Living in secret, and being each other's firsts. I'll never forget the feeling of your palm on mine, and how our fingers intertwined as we fell asleep lying by one another.

Just like how when your chest pressed against mine behind locked doors and shallow breaths.

I can feel myself becoming numb to the emotions of warmth from around me, because of our heated touches.

I just have to make sure I don't let continue any further than it already has.

1 a.m. Conversations

I guess our numbered moments had an expiration date.

Our love gave me a reason to write again, just like how his actions reminded me how to place the shield against my emotions.

I had forgotten what it had felt like, and then suddenly remembered it all at once for it to be gone.

If i had known he didn't want me before I started falling, I could've stopped myself.

But no, I fell willingly into the arms of someone able to catch me, but someone choosing not too.

When I close my eyes, I'm brought back to the moments at 1 am; as his hands grazed the back of my neck and his fingers traced the outline of my body.

I soaked in all the emotions that sent sensations throughout me.

While his body pressed against mine, I couldn't help but pull him closer to mine, so we could close the gap distancing us apart.

Here I am, repeating our 1 am late conversations to the moon about you, because being with you was enough.

Tattoo

There was a sense of excitement when I saw you appear and glance in my direction. It was a dry several months until you came around, but here you were walking towards me and it was all happening so suddenly.

Five weeks ago we had our first thrilling adventure together, and thirty five days later we were closer than ever.

How did I let it become to this, now as I recount it all; I so desperately sought you out that I became a new me to be with you.

It's like in the past when I thought I could hold onto someone by sharing a moment more than us two being together, and not even that was strong enough.

So now as I sit in a filled coffee shop, I think of where I would've been if you had responded, if you had wanted me; if you really cared. There's no going back, and I completely own up to my actions in my past and decisions I've made.

It's mutual, the wants we need and the feelings shared, we had agreed no feelings; yet here I am getting attached to you always being there.

You were the second person I let in, yet the first of its own that time was spent with and shared.

You caught me at your sideways glances, crooked smile and late night talks to the moon about how I thought you made me feel. You showed me new parts of the world that existed, I hadn't explored before except you never were enough for me emotionally and maybe that's why it fell into place so seamlessly.

Yet, it's like ever since we've been together, my whole body warms and tingles when someone mentions your name or I see you. And, it's funny how things change over night between the hours of midnight to five in the morning.

We were there seeking one another at midnight, and several hours later there we were getting lost within the warm summer mornings watching the sun rise into the sky.

I'm sure you aren't going to be the first tattoo that lingers on my skin, so take me back to summer nights, sweaty palms and foggy windows.

Midnight Sparklers

I glanced over my shoulder and there you were, gazing right back at me; hands intertwined with a foolish grin; we laid our heads down and fell asleep side by side.

This particular year, is the first of it's own and one for the books.

Ethan and I started off the Fourth of July laughing in his car, surrounded by an empty parking lot. We shared stories, mentioned embarrassing moments and allowed time to pass us by like it usually does.

As the evening soon began to turn into the wee hours of the morning, and it was time to go home; we collected our glass Coca Cola bottles and turned on the car. Unfortunately, we left the car battery on for too long without the gas, so the ignition wouldn't start the vehicle. 

Here we were inside his convertible with the windows down at 2 am at a parking lot by our work, stranded.

My car was several feet away, so we relocated to my car and I was now given the task to drive us to his house to drop him off. 

There was a spark in his eyes as he glanced back at me, almost as the light above, and the stars in the evening sky.

Who would've known Ethan would come into my life and be the one to remind me what it felt like to laugh with a man by my side. The feeling of being safe, secure, protected.

Before him I had felt the terrifying fear of silent closure. There was no way to take back all the time and emotions invested in the person I would've willing lost myself.

But, that was all before him.

Ethan.

Our daylight explorations soon became late night escapes into wherever our young minds led us.

I can't continue to feel these emotions for a man who would want less than I'm willing to settle for. He made me feel like I could be enough, and i was enough for the two of us.

Clinging onto my aching chest is him, so I press his Old Spice scent against me and bury my mind in the sea of emotions. There's no way to forget the way we laughed our way through the night and laid in comfortable silence by one another.

On our way to his house, we decided to go to the beach and let the sun be our first firework for our Fourth of July.

Upon arriving, we opened the sun roof, reclined the seats, and enter twined our hands. We placed our palms against each other and dozed off into a slumber. As we fell asleep, our hands curled around one another and we let the sound of the ocean be our background music.

The ringing of our alarm went off at 5:40 a.m, where we laid side by side and watched the glimmering sun rise into the illuminescent sky.

Is it just me who feels this electric charge between us two, I ask myself. It can't just be I.

During Fall, I allowed my heart to bleed the red and brown hue of Autumn's colors. Once January rolled around, I had to learn how to find myself and who I was once was. Now as summer approaches, it's like the songs that held constant repeat on my playlists, lowered in volume and had less resonance.

The only emotions I have now are confusion on whether we're meant to be, if it's worth the risk, or even just a summer crush.

Fourth of July

Fourth of July fireworks ignite the evening sky, while I gaze above from this small little town.

I'm lost and yet surrounded by a filled coffee shop full of writers and poets and entrepreneurs that seek out the future through each blink.

I despise the feeling of insecurity and unsureness.

Right when I feel like all is beginning to make sense, and we're almost there; here we go again, in a circle.

I can't contain these emotions and these thoughts.

I like him, I really do and each time I'm close to telling him how I feel, the moment changes.

Why must I be the one to make initiative? Why must I make the first move?

Does he even care? It feels like it's all one sided because of some silly bet he's made with himself.

Why feel like this when there's so much more to feel. Why put myself through this.

Is he even worth a love so deep, that I'm afraid of falling for too?

I'm back now and I realize that it's time to let him go, time to move onto someone new, someone to fill this small void he left and mend this ache in my chest.

It's the Fourth of July and the only spark igniting is the flame as it touches the fireworks.

This sudden realization and epiphany dulls the scenery around me and holds the moment that's been lost.

The what if's, the could've beens, but not the should've been; because we aren't meant to be together, not one bit at all.

Thank goodness I never kissed him I tell myself.

Thank goodness we were nothing more than just friends.

Thank goodness he made me feel safe, acknowledged, accepted, and wanted me.

But, he didn't want me enough, and that's okay.

I felt something for the first time in a long time and acted upon it so suddenly that I focused on being with him, that I forgot what it felt like to actually be with him.

I won't wait up this Fourth of July as the fireworks glimmer in the evening sky. I'll be awake, take in everything around me and just let it all be. 

As the bright colors fill up the sky, there should be a way to borrow some of the light from the night and paint away this gazing hue.