Guavas

The scent of guavas filled the air as I walked into his house for the first time, and I was immediately brought back to my childhood days at my grandparents house, where we picked fruit off the guava trees and laughed. As delicately we plucked the fruit from the trees and placed them into our plastic crates, we took them inside and washed away the layers of dirt, all the while creating moments of bliss.

This is what I was immediately reminded of when I walked into the home that I would soon become familiar with for the next four months. Four months of sleep overs, late nights, and first times with a man I believed loved me back.

How can it be that his name caresses my lips so well?

Did it ever occur to me that he would become my very first and last thought through my mind during the day?

His silhouette sends my pulse running, while my beating heart is ignited beneath his touch. Here I am, eager for his smile, his laugh, and the essence of his presence.

Take me back to last night where we didn't feel the need for more, we just shared the space between us and indulged in pillow talk.

Is it strange that I feel closest to you during these intimate moments?

We had an adventure of car rides the other day, driving miles against the sunset missing freeway exits while listening to our favorite songs in the car playing karaoke with one another. I glanced over my left shoulder and never wanted the moment to end as I watched you behind the steering wheel, singing along to your favorite song. I was pulled in even deeper into my feelings for you as the corner of your mouth pulled into a smile and the sound your laugh warmed my chest. There was a gleam in your eyes during this moment and I remember it so vividly.

The closer we get to the end of our relationship, I'm reminded of our great moments on how it all started. I'm reminded of how we both fell for one another.

So seamless, so effortless, our souls complemented one another. You were my first and as bittersweet this may be, I can feel myself giving up on not only you, but us.

I can't continue to keep fighting for someone who won't even try. Why did it take me four months to realize our unhealthy habits and gain the strength to walk away?

We care too fiercely, our passion rooted in our upbringing and culture, urging us to keep going, even if it's time to pull away. 

So, I fall asleep with your pajamas on my skin, and breathe in your scent, wishing it was you instead. I want more, and that's just something you can't give me, and I've realized now that that's okay.