I'm lost and yet surrounded by a filled coffee shop full of writers and poets and entrepreneurs that seek out the future through each blink.
I despise the feeling of insecurity and unsureness.
Right when I feel like all is beginning to make sense, and we're almost there; here we go again, in a circle.
I can't contain these emotions and these thoughts.
I like him, I really do and each time I'm close to telling him how I feel, the moment changes.
Why must I be the one to make initiative? Why must I make the first move?
Does he even care? It feels like it's all one sided because of some silly bet he's made with himself.
Why feel like this when there's so much more to feel. Why put myself through this.
Is he even worth a love so deep, that I'm afraid of falling for too?
I'm back now and I realize that it's time to let him go, time to move onto someone new, someone to fill this small void he left and mend this ache in my chest.
It's the Fourth of July and the only spark igniting is the flame as it touches the fireworks.
This sudden realization and epiphany dulls the scenery around me and holds the moment that's been lost.
The what if's, the could've beens, but not the should've been; because we aren't meant to be together, not one bit at all.
Thank goodness I never kissed him I tell myself.
Thank goodness we were nothing more than just friends.
Thank goodness he made me feel safe, acknowledged, accepted, and wanted me.
But, he didn't want me enough, and that's okay.
I felt something for the first time in a long time and acted upon it so suddenly that I focused on being with him, that I forgot what it felt like to actually be with him.
I won't wait up this Fourth of July as the fireworks glimmer in the evening sky. I'll be awake, take in everything around me and just let it all be.
As the bright colors fill up the sky, there should be a way to borrow some of the light from the night and paint away this gazing hue.
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