Falling - Chapter 7

All the unspoken words that I didn't get to say, I don't beat myself up about them anymore. Because I shared how I felt, I expressed my care for you through lingering side glances and gentle kisses on your lips. Every morning you were my first thought as I reminisced over my dreams, and when you left, you were my recurring sunrise train of emotions that left tears in my heart.

Gentle and sweet, patient and kind, unknowingly and blindsided, it felt like the blow of a thousand winds striking my chest. Was this your plan all along? Was I just a pawn in your game of life?

I'm left confused by your unaligned words and actions, contradictory to your expressed emotions compared to what you actually did. Someone I loved innocently, and trusted blindly because I thought I was safe, I didn't have to worry about experiencing betrayal again like before. 

Maybe I'll get to fall in love this time? Someone will actually love me, for me?

It was never about me, it was only about what my body had to offer and the chase until I let those lingering kisses deepen and lead to more.

I close my eyes and remember those soft caresses as I held your face between my palms and got lost in those hazel eyes and sweet smile. I close my eyes and am haunted by the crinkle in your eyes when the corners of your lips turn into a smile, the sound of your laugh, and the touch of your fingertips on mine.

I'm haunted by your memory, what once was a dream is now a recurring nightmare of heartbreak.

Falling - Chapter 6

Seeing your name light up on my phone screen had my heart racing and a smile gleaming across my face.

I had missed you, I still do.

However, the happiness in my chest started to fade as I remembered the last time my tear stained cheeks cried into your chest. So close, yet emotionally disconnected.

A wave of uneasiness washes over as I remember the disconnect of you pulling away before ending our relationship stating you needed to go through this alone. How could you want to be alone when we had just grazed our fingertips across each other's bare skin, enveloped in heated kisses and each other's embrace. 

This past month, I've had to learn how to live without you as I was the only one reaching out to check on you, showing through actions that I cared. The anxiety I felt waiting for your response, as hours and days lingered by. You so easily lived without me, while I closed my eyes with each blink and remembered your soft cranberry kisses. Sweet and short lived. 

You walked away.

You chose to no longer want me.

So, why now that I am finally putting myself together and feeling happy again that you feel entitled to walk right back into the place you broke and left willingly.

I still want you, I still miss you and I am haunted of our memories every day. The memories you chose to end and walk away from. How is this any different than the past, than before?

Inconsistent communication, confused emotions, not knowing exactly where you stand are all conflicting dilemmas in your paradox of attempts to reenter what you left.

I miss you, I really do. The sound of your laugh, the way your eyes crinkle as the corner of your lips fold into a smile. How your eyebrows are furrowed together when concentrated on a task at hand, the feeling of my palm in your hand, our fingers intertwined, your lips on my skin, and how my heart beat accelerated as I got lost in your eyes. Those soft hazel eyes that pierced right through me.

I blink the tears away and look at your message and close my phone. It's not worth the heartbreak again, you haven't shown me anything to believe this time is different, or that you are not able to cause the same amount of pain again.

Falling, it sounds silly but I fell for the sound of your voice and soft hums you made while lost in thought. So, I go back to my memories because at least there, maybe what we had was real.

Amor Propio

As I sit here on the same plush cushioned chair and gaze out clear glass-pained windows, I feel peace.

I am proud of myself. I'm proud of the growth I have developed within myself this year.

The two characters I have thought of for years made their way back into my mind recently. This time their story was new and unique as two mature adults recognizing their love was genuine, but they were not destined to ever be together.

Is there a sense of similarity to my own story? Except my own love is myself, mi amor propio, and what I feel for myself within.

How do I honor these two characters? Similar to being human, they are flawed, flawed with mistakes, misspoken words, and empty promises.

I have been pouring into myself lately, filling my own glass of happiness and reminding myself that I am valuable. My value is not determined by any man, reassurance is not needed by another person, and the only validation needed is from myself within.

It's the middle of October and I am blessed this year. 

I am not hiding behind tear-stained cheeks and the emotion of emptiness in my chest. Previous main characters in my story of life a year ago no longer exist in this sequel, as they are distant reminders of what once was.

The woman I am now is deserving of kindness, respect, humility, and genuine intentions - something I was stripped of with past characters in my life then. Taken advantage of and discarded like I didn't matter after giving all of myself to people who abused my value for their benefit.

Now, I stand tall reclaiming my self-love, and walk with confidence as I am not frightened of ghosts from my past. Because when you move with genuine intentions, the truth will always prevail and there is no need to hide from the truth - if anything, it'll shine light on other people's skeletons and showcase clarity on reality.

Falling - Chapter 5

The space filled in my chest is a reminder of the emotions that existed, that I could feel again. Are two people whose paths cross and are illuminated, could they be pulled together by invisible strings? Coming together occasionally to remember they are meant to be in each other's lives?

Daniel was the wholesome sweet kindhearted man with genuine intentions, lips soft like feather kisses and warmth similar to the sun on a sunny beach day. The sharp inhale of knives slicing their way across my heart when our romance ended was bearable, not intolerable, but discomforting and a harsh reality similar to a cold plunge in a pool during winter.

I believed his words, I believed the idea of waiting for him and the idea he meant every word he spoke. I wanted to hold onto his words, I clung to the last remaining emotions I had left by rereading messages and smiling at pictures of us both.

I would be reminded of the harsh reality that not everyone's words match their actions, despite how much confianza we want to have in them. Or, in him.

Falling - Chapter 4

I woke up with the blood of my pain on my palms.

The same palms where my fingers intertwined with yours.

There’s a slight sting as cold water rinses over to bead off the pain of your sweet presence.

I miss your finger tips, your soft caresses, the crinkle around your eyes as you smiled and the twinkle in those hazel hue irises. 

Iridescent like the ignited passion I felt for you under the August summer sun.

Fireworks, magical, a twin flame aligned with one another’s desires.

But it wasn’t enough.

Wasn’t enough to sustain the emotions of life’s challenges, you were the only one I was willing to let my guard down for.

The only one that showed kindness, who was gentle and respected us until we became we.

As the last night of us approaches, I close my eyes and remember your chest against mine as I felt all of you with me as one, lost in your presence, breaths in unison under your touch.

I wish I could go back and tell myself to hold your hand tighter, embrace you for one more hug, give one extra kiss before saying goodbye and fall into each moment before they all disappeared.

And here they all are, distant memories, and the dreams of you I wish we could’ve created.

You’ll always hold a special place in my sweet heart. As the one who patiently reminded me that I was worth loving, worth living, worth being given a second chance.

Falling - Chapter 3

In a year of growth and pain, you have been a bright light.

While reminiscing on the challenges and low points I’ve faced this year, being with you have been some of the highlights of my memories.

Singing along with you, and getting lost in your hazel eyes.

You have reminded me what it feels like to feel again. Warmth from the sun on a beach day, reminded of what it feels like to fall for someone’s smile, laugh, and soft chuckles - you reminded me what it feels like to feel again.

I still remember looking over to my left and seeing the sparkle in your eyes, the sparkle I could get lost in for another hundred blinks.

Falling, is this what it is? Falling for the man I knew less than one month in.

The first time he held my hand, I was scared. Slight electric tingles ignited by touch, afraid of the possibility, lost in the possibility, enamored in who he was as I gazed into his eyes.

I wish now I could go back to all those moments and kiss his soft cranberry lips and say “I missed you” while enveloped in his embrace. 

What I would do to blink and recreate all the moments we would’ve shared together, instead of so far apart because I was afraid.

Afraid of the what if, afraid of letting go of my walls, afraid of the potential hurt, so much so I guarded myself with walls so high no one could enter, not even myself.

It took losing everything, losing myself to gain who I was again.

As I picked myself off the ground from the blows of obstacles this year has faced, I saw his kindness, his gentleness, his warmth and his soft smile that reminded me that I too was special.

Falling - Chapter 2

I close my eyes and fall into my day dream, the same reoccurring day dream I have been thinking about for the past two weeks. My chest rises as I catch my breath and get caught in what I hope to experience with him.

And my thoughts drift off.

It’s actually sweet, really sweet. It starts with Danny picking me up for a date, all I know is that I can turn my brain off and be led, I lean into the leather seats and exhale a sigh of peace. The cars hum by us as we drive down the 5 freeway and gradually make our way to the 133 off Barranca Parkway. 

Glancing over to my left, I steal a glance of his gaze ahead, his brows furrowed together focused on the road. Daniel catches my gaze and extends his right hand over the center console and intertwines our fingers and gives my hand a little squeeze, while the corners of his lips raise into a smile. I get lost in the crinkle of his eyelids and sparkle in his eyes, the comfort of his palm against mine, our breaths aligned.

I pick up my phone to send him a text of the unfolding of that day dream's events, desperate to share with him and soon have it be our reality. I open our messages and begin typing.

We go to the beach, specifically Laguna Beach. As you park the car and walk over to open my door, you help me down since I’m wearing a dress and you’re wearing a navy dress shirt with shorts. 

You hold my hand and guide us through the sand to what looks like a picnic from a distance. As we approach closer, there’s a soft linen blanket covered with a wooden table filled with assorted snacks, flowers and decor. We sit side by side and lean against plush pillows eating grapes and strawberries when you tell me how much you’ve enjoyed getting to know one another and ask me to be your girlfriend. Overlooking the blue water and the sound of the crashing waves, as we lean in to kiss all we hear are each others heartbeats as I say yes on your lips. 

That’s my dream, it’s cute, it’s sweet and with you and our picnic along PCH where we remember fondly of us after our hike driving on PCH with the windows down singing to Last Drive Down Main where I looked over at you and saw a sparkle in your eyes. Instantly, I’m pulled back to the present moment and look at you now on the sandy beach seated side by side on the white linen blanket, I gaze into your soft hazel eyes and see them illuminate and sparkle like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

Falling - Chapter 1

This felt safe, this felt meaningful, this felt like I found someone I could share my peace with. Someone who doesn't take, but adds to the understanding of peace.

Who would've thought I would start dating again, who would've thought I could find someone who matches my calmness. Has a desire for adventure, a smile that pulls the corner of my lips gleaming across my face, a personality of warmth and thoughts cool and peaceful, laughter that softens and deepens the affection I feel for him.

Being with him feels like warmth underneath the beaming sun on a low tide cool blue beach day.

As each day passes, I feel my affection for him deepen in my chest. It deepens with every conversation and fun fact I learn about him.

I catch myself looking over my shoulder to steal a peak at his soft hazel eyes or see the crinkle of his eyelids when the corners of his mouth fold into a smile.

I am mesmerized by his laugh, his kindness, the calmness of his presence, and the ripple of laughter his jokes create in a room.

Does the dictionary have a word to describe the emotions of warmth, happiness, and peace his presence evokes?

I close my eyes and remember where his fingertips last grazed my skin, gentle and firm like his lips on mine. I think of cranberries, our own inside joke to reference sweet kisses. Those sweet and heated kisses I felt myself falling for each time I saw him, I closed my eyes and leaned in towards those soft lips of his and felt my chest light like a feather, safe in his arms, desired and enamored with him.

"You're falling for me," I tease as we pull away from our embrace to catch fresh air. However, it is me who is falling too. Falling for the sound of his voice, his calmness, his ambition, his desire for growth, and his vulnerability to accept me for me.

Finding Peace - Chapter 5

As the rain falls down on this February afternoon, I am reminded of how much you loved the rain. We would lay beside one another and listen to the way the drops of water fell from the sky and kissed the ground. I was so mesmerized by your smile, that I'd look over and see your half-crooked smile that melted my heart and made me fall even deeper in love with you.

Healing is a journey and not linear, there are waves of emotions that come and go of hurt, nostalgia, reflection, and gratitude.

I am so happy we drifted apart, I am grateful for this blessing that you are officially removed from my life. There is no way to explain the full breaths I can breathe now without needing you by my side.

You were someone I imagined a whole future with, married, a family, una vida juntos a tu lado.

Nothing compares to the pain of your betrayal, the sharp pains in my chest of heartache and anxiety as I lay by your side feeling disconnected from the person I believed to be my soulmate.

Cambiaste plate por oro, con mi corazon de oro I am finally giving myself all the love I gave you.

As I embark on the journey of healing and learning to love myself again, I vow to never allow anyone to hold the power and control of all my happiness in their hands. The expectations of one person being my sole happiness is unhealthy and extremely toxic, but we were tied by a trauma bond so intertwined that when broken it felt like the air escaped all of me.

I always knew inside that we would never work out, there were so many signs and red flags that I chose to ignore since I chose to be selfish and hold onto the idea of us.

Seven years later and we're now strangers, you try and replace our repuestos con un otra mujer. It's okay, but I know that will only be a bandaid to all the hurt and pain you choose to avoid.

I listened to your apologies that first week, considered still keeping you in my life, and believed you might be able to change. But as I reflect on those dark and painful days, I do not regret any second. It shows me how much I really cared for you, and how low I felt to consider you in my life for that desperate need of comfort. Even though I do not seek comfort in another person's arms, I will soon be able to heal and create my own peace.

Iced coffee and coffee shops have been my therapy, writing down all our moments and reflecting on the person you once were doesn't match the person you claim to be now.

We outgrew one another and that's okay, we didn't need to be together and can live without one another. I do not miss the person, I miss the comfort of the emotional connection we once had. The familiarity, but I choose to ignore your pleas and empty words when you apologize and say you miss me because you continue to still see someone else.

We both aren't perfect, but not a single day goes by where you don't cross my mind. And, I know I don't cross your mind anymore, you stopped caring during our relationship when your replies became shorter and you could go days without speaking to me. There is a reason why we don't read books backward; it's meant so we can move forward and leave the past in the past. You were meant to be a lesson and only that.

Finding Peace - Chapter 4

Today I finally have some peace.

Here I sit in my favorite coffee shop that has brought me peace so many times. This past week has been a rollercoaster I can admit.

Seeing his face again, looking into the same eyes that looked into another; I realize the person I once knew no longer exists anymore. His hands have lingered on another, and his breath has intertwined with someone else while we shared future promises.

I recognize him asking me to still be in his life after the infidelity and broken trust is a coping mechanism for him to relieve any potential guilt for his actions.

As I find solace in my favorite coffee shop the same place that has provided comfort time and time again. I am happy to recognize that I am not the problem.

Hurt people hurt people.

Both he and I hurt one another, as if we were children playing on the playground going back and forth on a seesaw. I so desperately wanted to believe his words, I held onto the memories of our good times together and the moments of comfort and familiarity.

It is okay things didn't work out. It is okay we weren't meant to be. It's okay we hurt each other when he shouldn't have, it all needed to happen for us to learn more about ourselves. To learn from this pain.

I am worthy and deserving of love. I know I will be rewarded with the blessing of loving myself to walk away from anything in the future that doesn't serve me. 

How could someone I trusted and planned a future with live a double life? How could he so easily message me and say he loved me, playing with my emotions and trust as if it were a game.

I believe I am the definition of unconditional love.

Unconditional love that can overlook the pain, and the disagreements, be selfless, and put someone else before themselves.

This is not healthy to live in such a way that doesn't serve me and only serves the other person. I hit a breaking point the other day where the overwhelming stress and heartbreak were unbearable and unmanageable.

I had to accept that we were no longer meant to be. The pain, the sobs, the sharp chest pains, my hands shook and tears streamed down my face as I clung onto each breath as if it were my last. My whole world felt like it was ending and I was alone now, no more moments together, no more quick glances or long gazes accompanied by a slight smile and the warmth that lit my whole world alive.

Love felt like living life with my best friend. No matter the obstacle life challenged us with, it was approachable as long as we had each other by our sides.

I will never get back the firsts I shared with you. The trust I blindly believed you shared with me, or so the same way I shared with you. Was it all a lie?

How could I mean so much to you to plan our futures together, but not matter enough to be honest about your feelings, to easily lie and break my heart.

You betrayed me and even though you apologized between tears, what difference does it make if you continue to cause the same pain so quickly after me?

I loved you through all the obstacles of life. At our painful lows and blissful highs, I never stopped loving you despite the red flags, the disconnect, or moments of feeling lonely while laying beside you. I am not sorry for loving you, I am not sorry for believing you cared, because I know one day I will be blessed with the same love I loved you.

Finding Peace - Chapter 3

Today was the first day I slept by his side again. I saw his face and felt the warmth of his presence.

However, I still feel uneasy and am not able to sleep just like how I felt the last time I laid by his side.

Is it a way of my body telling me he is no longer for me? Is this a way the universe is saying I am meant for something much greater and I am only hurting myself?

I digressed. I kept saying “I feel overstimulated” seeing him again, being in the same room again, and looking at the four walls we used to call home. The four walls that used to bring me comfort, which I believed were the foundation to us developing our future together.

I see these four walls and am reminded of what my life would’ve been. How I am so proud of myself for moving forward, so proud of myself for walking away.

I drank today to eliminate my feelings. I spoke my truth but I am ashamed to admit I drank to numb the pain. The pain he created, the broken trust he made me feel.

I only ate once today, only after I drank and realized I needed to eat. And damn did I eat everything because I was starving.

I am happy I left. I am happy I walked away from this life. I wouldn’t have felt fulfilled, I would’ve been in such a low place mentally and emotionally. I am glad that I had the strength to walk away.

Do I have the strength to walk away now? Yes, yes I do. Because I realize that I do not want a life with him, but I want the comfort his presence brought.

I fell for the potential of a man, the thought of what he could be. But I do not love the man he is now.

As I watch him speak and hear his soft snores, I don’t feel I love him as much as I did before. Is it the pain? Is it the broken trust?

Possibly, it could be that I have outgrown the life he is living and I know I deserve more.

It’s 3 am and here I sit up in the same bed he broke my trust, the same bed he and I spoke out our futures together.

I believe in something great. I believe that everything will work out because I know it will just be like it always has in the past.

I am stepping closer to peace, stepping closer to finding my path, my future. I am so happy you have had this opportunity to love and experience the blessing of this relationship.

We may not have been perfect, we may have not been right. Intertwined in a trauma bond, I see him, I feel his breath alongside mine and respectfully can walk away as it no longer serves me.

Finding Peace - Chapter 2

Here I sit on the rocks of my favorite beach. The one place that brought solace so many times I felt lost, confused or disrupted by peace.

I stare at the white foamed waves overlapping each other and think of the beauty of being a pebble amongst the sand.

All the struggles I face and challenges I encounter are only one of these pebbles, yet I’m surrounded by luminescent stones that represent so much more.

I think of the quote I heard the other day, “this soon shall pass.”

I recognize all moments of emotions may come in waves, but as they pull back into the ocean a new wave arrives greeting the sand with a new smile. The water kisses each pebble as it navigates its way across the ocean floor.

I didn’t cry today, I didn’t yearn his touch, I accepted what is and focused on what I could do to make myself happy.

Even though I am having to focus on my own happiness first, it’s like an after thought - but what about him?

It’s okay.

I’ll be okay.

This too shall pass.

I faced each challenge this past year has brought me and survived, if anything I have learned to embrace the uncertainty.

I do not expect him to come running back into my arms nor do I want him too. I want myself to forgive and find peace, heal and work within on who I am and the disrespect I allowed while blinded by love.

This is my time to be selfish, my time to focus on what I want and what best serves me. I will no longer choose to beg for breadcrumbs of a man that could barely provide the bare minimum.

I choose to focus on myself, lift myself up, grow my business, enrich my emotional intellect, laugh more, pursue more degrees and embrace the uncertainty life has to offer as I know I will navigate it like I have done so in my past.

I am not afraid, there’s no need to be uncertain as my luck has always found a way to guide me through anything.

Finding Peace - Chapter 1

As I sit at my desk and reflect on all our years together. I fondly remember the beauty and turn a blind eye to the red flags.

Why is it that after a breakup, all of the love I still have for that person continues when I know they're no good for me. I miss their smile, the lingering glances and all the moments where I felt warmth with his presence.

There were times when I ignored the arguments, the hurtful words, the rude comments and pain and loneliness while I laid by his side. I felt betrayed by his actions but also recognize we both were hurting each other and our relationship wasn't serving one another anymore.

What is the right way to move forward? What can I do to forgive, find peace and let go. What is there to help me feel like everything will be okay.

I'm disgusted to think about falling back into his arms, I am ashamed to still want him in my life, I am hurt I do not have enough self respect to ignore his apologies and remind myself that I deserve better.

How do I move forward, how do I move forward when my mind and heart are still reminiscing of the past?

He says he was stressed and overwhelmed, that I pushed him towards a depression. Which is why when the truth unfolded, I fell so deep and low within 5 days I lost 10 pounds and could barely have the energy to get out of bed.

I want peace, I want to forgive, I want to let go, I want to breathe on my own without him being the after thought in my mind.

I keep running back to him, running back to the same person that hurt me to have the same conversation of closure all over again. The same person that promised us our future, was the same one that laid beside another to fill a void they chose to ignore and create hurt.

I understand the pain lies within him, being unable to process his emotions, lacking emotional regulation, communication. I need to accept that this is no longer for me and serving me only hurting me.

As I delete the profiles, the accounts, the pictures and videos, the sound of his voice. I do not know how to delete him from my memory, because I so desperately cling onto him, the thought of him, the smell of him, the potential of him when he decided to share all of that with someone else while with me.

How do people move past betrayal? How do you rebuild the trust after infidelity. It feels like a person died, like he died and he's gone and all the unfinished love I have for him haunts me.

How can I seek peace when I can't even let him go.