As I sit at my desk and reflect on all our years together. I fondly remember the beauty and turn a blind eye to the red flags.
Why is it that after a breakup, all of the love I still have for that person continues when I know they're no good for me. I miss their smile, the lingering glances and all the moments where I felt warmth with his presence.
There were times when I ignored the arguments, the hurtful words, the rude comments and pain and loneliness while I laid by his side. I felt betrayed by his actions but also recognize we both were hurting each other and our relationship wasn't serving one another anymore.
What is the right way to move forward? What can I do to forgive, find peace and let go. What is there to help me feel like everything will be okay.
I'm disgusted to think about falling back into his arms, I am ashamed to still want him in my life, I am hurt I do not have enough self respect to ignore his apologies and remind myself that I deserve better.
How do I move forward, how do I move forward when my mind and heart are still reminiscing of the past?
He says he was stressed and overwhelmed, that I pushed him towards a depression. Which is why when the truth unfolded, I fell so deep and low within 5 days I lost 10 pounds and could barely have the energy to get out of bed.
I want peace, I want to forgive, I want to let go, I want to breathe on my own without him being the after thought in my mind.
I keep running back to him, running back to the same person that hurt me to have the same conversation of closure all over again. The same person that promised us our future, was the same one that laid beside another to fill a void they chose to ignore and create hurt.
I understand the pain lies within him, being unable to process his emotions, lacking emotional regulation, communication. I need to accept that this is no longer for me and serving me only hurting me.
As I delete the profiles, the accounts, the pictures and videos, the sound of his voice. I do not know how to delete him from my memory, because I so desperately cling onto him, the thought of him, the smell of him, the potential of him when he decided to share all of that with someone else while with me.
How do people move past betrayal? How do you rebuild the trust after infidelity. It feels like a person died, like he died and he's gone and all the unfinished love I have for him haunts me.
How can I seek peace when I can't even let him go.
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