Finding Peace - Chapter 3

Today was the first day I slept by his side again. I saw his face and felt the warmth of his presence.

However, I still feel uneasy and am not able to sleep just like how I felt the last time I laid by his side.

Is it a way of my body telling me he is no longer for me? Is this a way the universe is saying I am meant for something much greater and I am only hurting myself?

I digressed. I kept saying “I feel overstimulated” seeing him again, being in the same room again, and looking at the four walls we used to call home. The four walls that used to bring me comfort, which I believed were the foundation to us developing our future together.

I see these four walls and am reminded of what my life would’ve been. How I am so proud of myself for moving forward, so proud of myself for walking away.

I drank today to eliminate my feelings. I spoke my truth but I am ashamed to admit I drank to numb the pain. The pain he created, the broken trust he made me feel.

I only ate once today, only after I drank and realized I needed to eat. And damn did I eat everything because I was starving.

I am happy I left. I am happy I walked away from this life. I wouldn’t have felt fulfilled, I would’ve been in such a low place mentally and emotionally. I am glad that I had the strength to walk away.

Do I have the strength to walk away now? Yes, yes I do. Because I realize that I do not want a life with him, but I want the comfort his presence brought.

I fell for the potential of a man, the thought of what he could be. But I do not love the man he is now.

As I watch him speak and hear his soft snores, I don’t feel I love him as much as I did before. Is it the pain? Is it the broken trust?

Possibly, it could be that I have outgrown the life he is living and I know I deserve more.

It’s 3 am and here I sit up in the same bed he broke my trust, the same bed he and I spoke out our futures together.

I believe in something great. I believe that everything will work out because I know it will just be like it always has in the past.

I am stepping closer to peace, stepping closer to finding my path, my future. I am so happy you have had this opportunity to love and experience the blessing of this relationship.

We may not have been perfect, we may have not been right. Intertwined in a trauma bond, I see him, I feel his breath alongside mine and respectfully can walk away as it no longer serves me.