Dile Que Tú Eres Mía

Fall raindrops glisten across my windshield and I can't help but remember how much you loved the rain and how the soft murmur of the rain calmed you.

Each touch you left on me is like a roadmap on my skin back to your fingertips.

You can not deny how we both set each other's nights on fire while heated under cool sheets and hushed whispers.

Dile que tú eres mía, y yo soy tuyo.

Pa Ti, Pa Mi

He's my best friend, we were just friends, until we weren't anymore.

I look at him and don't just see the person I've shared so many memories with and new beginnings with. When I glance at him, I see the man who knows me, my body and my mind too well.

I can't help but feel alive beneath his touch, it's like my senses ignite when his skin grazes mine.

I crave his presence, his touch, him.

Closing my eyes, I remember his smile and the chuckle of his laugh that resonated down to his chest. The brush of his beard against my fingertips, his breath staggered as we both stayed awake in the wee hours of the morning.

Waking up tangled in his sheets with him beside me, is something I would've never imagined in a million years.

If I had known how our relationship would've changed the first time we had met, or if I had known what I'd be getting into when he drove forty miles to see me for fifteen minutes the first time we really spent time together.

 If I had just known, I tell myself.

We fall into this pattern of being each other's worlds, then spending days and weeks apart, yet we always find our way back to one another.

He's the first man I've ever had a relationship with, and it's so strange to see how comfortable we've become with one another.

I know he cares about me, he genuinely cares and it's not about wanting more, or needing confirmation anymore, because I've noticed a different side of him now.

The tender man who is sweet and silly, a cornball full of warmth. Just being with him makes me happy, because he's my person.

Change.

I glance outside these clear windows and see a green scenery changing into a orange hue and red.

My cold lattees will soon become warm espressos as I cover myself with my oversized sweaters and seek warmth in my knitted clothes.

A year ago, it was a new month in October when things began to change.

I find myself reminescing on those times, while also creating my own memories.

I'm pulled back to those memories of how his skin tasted against my lips, how his body grew beneath my touch. I remember how they felt, each second I lost sleep to spend another minute with him.

And, I realize just like how one year ago I fell head over heels for him, it's like with time, I fall deeper and deeper.

No Es Justo

Late at night, I know I've grown too comfortable with us since I crave your presence.

Every other night, I've been moving from home to us.

It's like a routine we've both fallen into, after our classes, work, gym, life; we fall into each other's arms and fall asleep together. 

The peaceful sound of your breathing eases me, just like how your silly, mischievious smiles leave me breathless wanting more.

Is this what love feels like?

Wanting him despite his grumpy mornings, silly phrases and constant bickering about little things that lead to deep conversations and understanding. I crave being with him and wanting him.

Just when I think I'm done and can't do much more, I gaze at him and realize I fall deeper each time.

If this is love, I'd fall deeper for him all over again and more.

Cuando Te Besé

When I close my eyes, your silhouette stands clear like a black and white image in my mind.

Trying to forget you, has just heightened my senses, as I'm now left with the way your skin pressed against mine, the way you tasted against my lips, the scent you left on me, that lingered like your presence in my mind.

I'm haunted by my senses and your memory as I try to move on to something without you.

Now, that it's a whirlwind of changes surrounding us, who's to say we were meant to be or would last?

I still remember those few glances we would exchange and your face lit up with a grin, because being with you was the best feeling.

You, were my happiness.

You made me feel safe, and whole.

Cuando te bese, I felt my world ignite.

Ignited from you actually listening to me, being there for me, being friends before lovers.

Even though time has passed and I've learned once again how to stand alone, no other even holds a thought in my mind because I was head over heels for you, and it felt like no one could ever replace you.

So, I'm brought back to those moments when you'd smile, laugh, or those hours that felt like seconds as we let time pass us by.

You were my enough, until you weren't anymore.

Gray Bubbles

It's another summer day, here I am burned from the sun, but the only thing burning are my emotions for you.

While going about my day, I can't help but allow my thoughts to drift off to you, to us; and this smile glistens across my face when I see your name light up on my phone, accompanied by the popcorn ringtone that only you have.

Those gray text bubbles can only last for so long.

So long until I'm dying to see you, be with you, and feel your strong hands embrace me.

I hold my words back, because I'm afraid to tell the truth. I'm afraid to share how I feel in fear of losing you and what we have, so I settle for what I think I deserve, because you've made it clear there's no future for us.

When you both want different things, and are still figuring things out, it's hard to make things work when it's only you who wants more.

Here I am, silenced by gray bubbles and a man who makes me feel so used, selectively. Wanting more has never come at such a cost of this dull ache in my chest, and empty promises I still fall for each time.

Because saying I miss you isn't enough, because maybe I wasn't enough.

Muted Fireworks

One year ago, I woke up beside him with our fingers intertwined and watched the sunrise together alongside the beach.

I remember thinking how his lips would feel on mine and how much butterflies I felt when he glanced in my direction, it’s like his smile sent this warmth within me.

Today we’re two strangers.

Someone who was everything to me, and I loved more than myself at times, it was strange to create new memories without him.

I lay down beneath my blankets, and remember how his skin felt against mine while being pressed down on his sheets.

For so long I was emotionally and mentally manipulated that I forgot what life was like without his presence. I became dependent on his approval, and deep voice that reassured me when I felt like I couldn’t do things by myself.

I was learning and I still am.

I don’t gaze at the fireworks in the sky because the spark within me is no longer there, it’s filled with this dull, numbness.

I feel so empty, it’s like he stole the joy from within me.

It’s another hard day of many, and I’m waiting for those few good days to come, eventually.

Break Ups

Break ups.

How do people do this, I ask myself? Never once did I ever want to go through this pain again, but it’s like it gets worse each time.

I gave myself wholly to someone who loved in parts. I felt this joy in me when his smile lit up, his warmth filled a room, just like my favorite sound was his chuckle that made me want to just gaze at him and wonder how we found one another.

No matter the issue, disagreement or differences we always found our way back to one another; yet this time we’re two worlds apart.

Strangers.

It’s so peculiar since we know one another’s schedules inside and out, all these small details about one another, but being face to face, there’s this distance between us.

I fell for someone who only chose me when it was beneficial and convenient for them, cared for me in parts, when I’d take him whole on his grumpy mornings, cartoon filled movie nights, warm blankets on heated summer nights. I wanted to believe we belonged to one another. But just like a ticking time bomb, the truth was there all along and I just chose to avoid the abusive relationship, the manipulative behavior and control he had over my emotions and my body.

I kept believing it was worth it because I was clinging to those few good times, but they weren’t enough to last a lifetime.

Starting Over

I hate him, loathing him is much easier than feeling this betrayal.

When I saw him, it was like the wind was knocked out of my chest and I couldn’t breathe. Tears filled my eyes and it’s like I was no longer gazing at the stars under the sky.

Now we were strangers, now he wanted nothing to do me, and now that meant it was time for me to start over and leave behind a past with someone I so desperately fought to build a future with.

The one person who was my go to, my left hand when I wrote with my right was no longer there. Learning to walk again on my two feet has never felt so daunting without him but my side.

All my favorite places have his touch, his presence isn’t there yet it lingers in my mind just like his soul against mine on late nights and say escapes.

It’s a whirlwind of events all going on at once, and I can’t take it anymore.

So I lay awake in bed rereading his words that broke my heart to see if they made any difference than the night before. I scroll through my photo album and see photos of our time together, him, us, and it burns into my chest as I remember the happiness I once felt

To the emptiness I feel now.

I rely on blue ocean waters and this notebook and pen to allow me to escape his face I’ll see soon. It’s like reliving a nightmare every time I see him.

New

There is no way to express the numbness that fills this space in my chest. The night you broke my heart, I returned home and fell asleep in the pajamas you let me borrow one night of the many endless nights together.

As I hugged your oversized shirt, I wanted to hope that you wanted what I wanted too, for us two to be together despite everything going on. It's like no matter what we went through in our own lives, we always found our way towards each other, and fought off our struggles together. 

The last time I laid by you, I woke up and turned over to see your outstretched arm in my direction; it's like you were reaching out, when we felt so far apart. 

I've wanted you, and only you for so long and it's time to let all those memories, the laughs, the adventures, late nights and early mornings go. 

This sucks because it's not just losing someone I felt so connected with, but my best friend.

I remember waking up to your messages and falling asleep with the sound of your voice against my ear, but instead all we have is this silence from you pushing me away. 

And last night, I wanted to just forget all of this and go back to what we used to be, but there's no turning back.

Your cold words struck me like a slap across the face,  how easily disposable I was to you after everything. How did it turn into this war zone? Literally just a few days before your hands were on my skin pulling me closer, and we were laying side by side singing silly songs and playing video games. It's like everything was fine, until it wasn't.

I know I'm better without you, but the only thing I want is you, even if I know you're not right for me.

I'm Not In Love With You, Anymore

I am not in love with you anymore, is what I tell myself.

Yet, I find myself staring off into the distance reminiscing your touch on my skin against my beating pulse. I don't know how to forget the way your smile lit up my sky, and how the sound of your laugh spread this warmth, that somehow filled a room.

Here I am holding back these words too much for sound, yet so audible through actions, it's as they say love is a verb.

Our days have began to blur together, we've become our own daily routines with one another. And, yet there is this feeling of knowing there's nothing to hold onto because we don't belong to one another, even though it feels like it. I have acquired this new sense home, and it's just your presence.

So, I so desperately try to push away the fireworks I feel when I'm around you, and tame the beating heart of mine. If I had only known, but I did, and that still didn't stop me for falling into your mesmerizing gaze that's left me in a blinded haze.

Olvidarme

You helped me find this feeling, so indescribable.

Each breathe I took, my love for you grew, just like the memories of us two became stronger.

Yet, I couldn't understand how I found the strength to leave you.

These past several days of each other by our sides, we discovered the world yet I allowed our laughs to get blurred away into the past.

You were no longer what I needed, and it's better to say that than state that I wasn't enough for you.

So I let these hard beats from Spanish Trap and Reggaeton numb those good times. The hours spent during those sleepovers, our daylight adventures and late night escapes, you introduced me to a world no other has before which makes it so hard to let go.

I changed myself for you, because I thought I had to be someone you'd actually want. When really I just needed to be myself, because deep down, I knew you cared.

You've seen me beneath my layers, watch me undress my soul,  just like how you showed me a side of you, only a few have seen.

Somehow, home was no longer a place but a feeling. Being with you felt like my warmth and light taking over my first and last thoughts throughout the day.

So good, it wasn't meant to be.

Re: More

The times I needed the sun to shine its brightest, is when it gleamed above in the sky and provided a gentle breeze. 

No matter what I felt like, and believed I couldn't make through, I was somehow able to keep moving forward. Time has a funny way of working like that, despite how hard it may feel. I was able to still live, and enjoy those small moments for me that I had stopped when I first met him.

In a sense I lost my little spark that made me unique, because I allowed that spark to ignite the relationship we shared.

As much as I want to hate him, can I really?

He was my bestfriend, and I know I was that too him. 

We just weren't enough for each other for more.

Otra Vez

His relationship felt like a song, one that had a constant rhythm and summer nights turning into winter evenings.

Besame otra vez.

Kiss me with your smile and laugh.

Something had changed, there was more love and affection behind each touch as the months grew.

We fought together, sought out our struggles together, and found our futures with each other.

We found a meaning between us in those small moments when we picked movies on movie night, debated on which place to grab tacos or tortas, or glanced at one another during those special moments.

They're not gone and they'll always be there, but it's different now. There's more respect and understanding between one another. We're two, and will continue to be two while we figure out all the little things.

Dime Si Te Acuerdas

It’s two hours until midnight, and you’re on my mind.
The time where we would be texting about our pasts, our future’s, our feelings are all gone.
It was you.
You were the one I wanted all along. It was like no void I tried to find could fill or replace the way you made my heart flutter.
Despite how many times we were on and off, we always found our way back to each other; because, eventually we meant something to one another.
Was it ever enough, can we ever be enough.
Eight months of heighten emotions, you were my best friend and partner in crime. No matter what we went through, I wanted you no matter what.
Oye, dime si te acuerdas all our daylight adventures and late night escapes. The way we laughed together and held these long gazes at midnight.
You were enough and everything I never knew I needed, but was head over heels for.

Esperándote

Seeking, searching, paitently waiting, esperándote.

"Shut up, and kiss me," I murmur against his lips.

And, as our silly adventures are added onto our long lists of late night escapes. I find comfort in knowing we can go back to when we first started, sitting in parked cars and sharing laughter over our stories. 

Reclined in our seats, with unbuckled seats and unbuckled souls confided with one another; we paused and glanced into each other's eyes. Vulnerable, seeking comfortability, searching for a reason to stay, paitently waiting in our beige leathered chairs for the next move.

Warmth filled my lungs despite the cold winter outside our windows, he was my safe place, my go to, his chuckle reminded me of how I fell for him. Or how the corners of his mouth curl into a smile when he's being mischievous, I didn't want just those pieces. But, I also craved his moody mornings, or the sound of his snoring that would wake me on the opposite side of our L-shaped couch.

Hushed whispers over pillow talk, like it was us against the world. I never knew I could feel this joy from one person, who was my first and last thought of my very day.

Those nights we spent apart, I fell asleep to the sound of his voice against my ears, or his words kissing my eyelids sweet dreams. He made me feel okay to be me, which was something I had never experienced before with any other man. He respected me and my boundaries, and paitently waited for me to clear my mind before asking me how I was.

Something changed, I don't recall when exactly; yet once a bad habit, now a healthy influence I craved like a drug.

Son esperándote.

Seven Months

Seven months.

Seven months too long of being with a man that could've once loved me, yet chose to break my heart.

I held onto hope, the belief that change was going to happen; it was inevitable.

His scent was my happy place, just like the sound of his laugh reminded me each time of why I could've possibly loved him.

So, I ask myself, why did I continue to go back to him. It's almost as if the unhealthy, constant on and off was some type of thrill for him. I allowed my emotions to control me, and my feelings for him blind me from the truth of our reality.

We just weren't meant to be.

I wish I could take back the feeling of his palms against my skin, or how we fell into our own routine that make it so hard to break away.

He's was my first and last thought, but now I want nothing but to eliminate him from my life. His cruel words finally broke through my clouded mind and allowed me to realize, despite where I go these next several months; I still may feel tethered to him. But, eventually I'll breathe again.

Here I am, longing for a trip to the beach where I can escape from the noise he left behind, and start over.

We found one another, and fell seamlessly, so why does it feel like I grasping for him, yet am only getting empty palms.

Take Me Back to Autumn

The sound of cool rain drops falling against the pavement echoes a murmur in the background.

Fall.

Winter?

I continue to listen to the sound of the rain and drown myself in my thoughts that pull me back to Autumn.

Flushed cheeks and sweaters, laughter and car rides against the ocean shore; seeking a destination from distance.

Explorations of discovery, adventures within hidden coves, and fading sunkissed tans.

It's a still winter day, but I'm brought back to autumn with its orange hued leaves, and nights gazing at the shooting stars.

So, this January I don't return to those needed escapes, but now seek comfort within my home.

I share warm cups of cocoa with my mother and sister, and smile at the holiday lights. My family and I exchange laughter when together, so I clutch onto these warm memories while closing my eyes.

I take it in, and soak in everything. 

And when autumn returns again, and I'm brought back, I'll close my eyes and remember the cool raindrops that made me feel so warm.

Warm Brown Eyes

I fell for his warm brown eyes that became more than just brown eyes. 

How could his soul kiss mine yet never touch my lips.

It's not that we weren't enough for each other, we just weren't right together.

Addicted like a drug.

He made me feel connected yet so far away. 

So here I go, letting his words strip me of who I am. I continue losing myself to a man that would never be mine.

I let him win and gave a piece of myself each time. There's no fixing this relationship.

I hate him and want him, yet know he's my kryptonite.