Finding Peace - Chapter 4

Today I finally have some peace.

Here I sit in my favorite coffee shop that has brought me peace so many times. This past week has been a rollercoaster I can admit.

Seeing his face again, looking into the same eyes that looked into another; I realize the person I once knew no longer exists anymore. His hands have lingered on another, and his breath has intertwined with someone else while we shared future promises.

I recognize him asking me to still be in his life after the infidelity and broken trust is a coping mechanism for him to relieve any potential guilt for his actions.

As I find solace in my favorite coffee shop the same place that has provided comfort time and time again. I am happy to recognize that I am not the problem.

Hurt people hurt people.

Both he and I hurt one another, as if we were children playing on the playground going back and forth on a seesaw. I so desperately wanted to believe his words, I held onto the memories of our good times together and the moments of comfort and familiarity.

It is okay things didn't work out. It is okay we weren't meant to be. It's okay we hurt each other when he shouldn't have, it all needed to happen for us to learn more about ourselves. To learn from this pain.

I am worthy and deserving of love. I know I will be rewarded with the blessing of loving myself to walk away from anything in the future that doesn't serve me. 

How could someone I trusted and planned a future with live a double life? How could he so easily message me and say he loved me, playing with my emotions and trust as if it were a game.

I believe I am the definition of unconditional love.

Unconditional love that can overlook the pain, and the disagreements, be selfless, and put someone else before themselves.

This is not healthy to live in such a way that doesn't serve me and only serves the other person. I hit a breaking point the other day where the overwhelming stress and heartbreak were unbearable and unmanageable.

I had to accept that we were no longer meant to be. The pain, the sobs, the sharp chest pains, my hands shook and tears streamed down my face as I clung onto each breath as if it were my last. My whole world felt like it was ending and I was alone now, no more moments together, no more quick glances or long gazes accompanied by a slight smile and the warmth that lit my whole world alive.

Love felt like living life with my best friend. No matter the obstacle life challenged us with, it was approachable as long as we had each other by our sides.

I will never get back the firsts I shared with you. The trust I blindly believed you shared with me, or so the same way I shared with you. Was it all a lie?

How could I mean so much to you to plan our futures together, but not matter enough to be honest about your feelings, to easily lie and break my heart.

You betrayed me and even though you apologized between tears, what difference does it make if you continue to cause the same pain so quickly after me?

I loved you through all the obstacles of life. At our painful lows and blissful highs, I never stopped loving you despite the red flags, the disconnect, or moments of feeling lonely while laying beside you. I am not sorry for loving you, I am not sorry for believing you cared, because I know one day I will be blessed with the same love I loved you.

Finding Peace - Chapter 3

Today was the first day I slept by his side again. I saw his face and felt the warmth of his presence.

However, I still feel uneasy and am not able to sleep just like how I felt the last time I laid by his side.

Is it a way of my body telling me he is no longer for me? Is this a way the universe is saying I am meant for something much greater and I am only hurting myself?

I digressed. I kept saying “I feel overstimulated” seeing him again, being in the same room again, and looking at the four walls we used to call home. The four walls that used to bring me comfort, which I believed were the foundation to us developing our future together.

I see these four walls and am reminded of what my life would’ve been. How I am so proud of myself for moving forward, so proud of myself for walking away.

I drank today to eliminate my feelings. I spoke my truth but I am ashamed to admit I drank to numb the pain. The pain he created, the broken trust he made me feel.

I only ate once today, only after I drank and realized I needed to eat. And damn did I eat everything because I was starving.

I am happy I left. I am happy I walked away from this life. I wouldn’t have felt fulfilled, I would’ve been in such a low place mentally and emotionally. I am glad that I had the strength to walk away.

Do I have the strength to walk away now? Yes, yes I do. Because I realize that I do not want a life with him, but I want the comfort his presence brought.

I fell for the potential of a man, the thought of what he could be. But I do not love the man he is now.

As I watch him speak and hear his soft snores, I don’t feel I love him as much as I did before. Is it the pain? Is it the broken trust?

Possibly, it could be that I have outgrown the life he is living and I know I deserve more.

It’s 3 am and here I sit up in the same bed he broke my trust, the same bed he and I spoke out our futures together.

I believe in something great. I believe that everything will work out because I know it will just be like it always has in the past.

I am stepping closer to peace, stepping closer to finding my path, my future. I am so happy you have had this opportunity to love and experience the blessing of this relationship.

We may not have been perfect, we may have not been right. Intertwined in a trauma bond, I see him, I feel his breath alongside mine and respectfully can walk away as it no longer serves me.

Finding Peace - Chapter 2

Here I sit on the rocks of my favorite beach. The one place that brought solace so many times I felt lost, confused or disrupted by peace.

I stare at the white foamed waves overlapping each other and think of the beauty of being a pebble amongst the sand.

All the struggles I face and challenges I encounter are only one of these pebbles, yet I’m surrounded by luminescent stones that represent so much more.

I think of the quote I heard the other day, “this soon shall pass.”

I recognize all moments of emotions may come in waves, but as they pull back into the ocean a new wave arrives greeting the sand with a new smile. The water kisses each pebble as it navigates its way across the ocean floor.

I didn’t cry today, I didn’t yearn his touch, I accepted what is and focused on what I could do to make myself happy.

Even though I am having to focus on my own happiness first, it’s like an after thought - but what about him?

It’s okay.

I’ll be okay.

This too shall pass.

I faced each challenge this past year has brought me and survived, if anything I have learned to embrace the uncertainty.

I do not expect him to come running back into my arms nor do I want him too. I want myself to forgive and find peace, heal and work within on who I am and the disrespect I allowed while blinded by love.

This is my time to be selfish, my time to focus on what I want and what best serves me. I will no longer choose to beg for breadcrumbs of a man that could barely provide the bare minimum.

I choose to focus on myself, lift myself up, grow my business, enrich my emotional intellect, laugh more, pursue more degrees and embrace the uncertainty life has to offer as I know I will navigate it like I have done so in my past.

I am not afraid, there’s no need to be uncertain as my luck has always found a way to guide me through anything.

Finding Peace - Chapter 1

As I sit at my desk and reflect on all our years together. I fondly remember the beauty and turn a blind eye to the red flags.

Why is it that after a breakup, all of the love I still have for that person continues when I know they're no good for me. I miss their smile, the lingering glances and all the moments where I felt warmth with his presence.

There were times when I ignored the arguments, the hurtful words, the rude comments and pain and loneliness while I laid by his side. I felt betrayed by his actions but also recognize we both were hurting each other and our relationship wasn't serving one another anymore.

What is the right way to move forward? What can I do to forgive, find peace and let go. What is there to help me feel like everything will be okay.

I'm disgusted to think about falling back into his arms, I am ashamed to still want him in my life, I am hurt I do not have enough self respect to ignore his apologies and remind myself that I deserve better.

How do I move forward, how do I move forward when my mind and heart are still reminiscing of the past?

He says he was stressed and overwhelmed, that I pushed him towards a depression. Which is why when the truth unfolded, I fell so deep and low within 5 days I lost 10 pounds and could barely have the energy to get out of bed.

I want peace, I want to forgive, I want to let go, I want to breathe on my own without him being the after thought in my mind.

I keep running back to him, running back to the same person that hurt me to have the same conversation of closure all over again. The same person that promised us our future, was the same one that laid beside another to fill a void they chose to ignore and create hurt.

I understand the pain lies within him, being unable to process his emotions, lacking emotional regulation, communication. I need to accept that this is no longer for me and serving me only hurting me.

As I delete the profiles, the accounts, the pictures and videos, the sound of his voice. I do not know how to delete him from my memory, because I so desperately cling onto him, the thought of him, the smell of him, the potential of him when he decided to share all of that with someone else while with me.

How do people move past betrayal? How do you rebuild the trust after infidelity. It feels like a person died, like he died and he's gone and all the unfinished love I have for him haunts me.

How can I seek peace when I can't even let him go.