Walking Away

It was that pivoting moment when his threats became powerless, did I realize how emotionally manipulative and one sided this relationship was.

I fought so long for the love of a person who had willingly used me, and made me feel like I was more, because they gave me that small piece of more I had never had before.

I found peace in him, with him, just the thought of him placed me at ease.

This dependency has become too much to handle.

I am pulled back to a faded memory in a dim lighted restaurant with my girlfriends, months back in the begining of summer. I'm across a dark wooden table telling them about the man I was falling for; and them warning me that maybe this wasn't the best relationship to seek.

Heads over heels for a man who felt like everything, I so desperately fought to keep him in my life. I just never realized I was giving up a piece of myself each time we argued, seperated, and made up.

I became accustomed to this unhealthy behaviour; I made excuses for him, I tried to rationalize his actions.

And, as much as I'll remember the good times we shared; I should not allow those few great moments overshadow this actions, and reality of our toxic relationship that once existed.

Silence

His words washed through me, as a wave of regret began to sink in.

I could only describe it to be similar to an anchor on my chest, holding me back.

Should I go? I ask myself. 

When I know it won't change anything between us.

I fucked up. I really did.

There's no going back to what we once were because now that's in the past.

Why walk into a situation where I know I'll get hurt.

Should I just be strong and be with him one last time to end our time together on a good note.

My air, my oxygen, is no longer my person.

Why do break ups suck, why do they feel like they just tear a piece of you, and leave you feeling numb.

Numb is better now, it mellows out the pain, it makes it more bearable.

No, it wasn't space that was needed between us two, it was an actual end between the two of us. Actually ending whatever untitled relationship we called this.

I survived this before, and I can do it again. I just wish I was able to do this with you by my side, but we both know that's no longer an option.

Sexto Sentido

Being with him was like watching the sun break through clouds on a rainy day,

Yet, leaving him felt like I was leaving a life behind.

He was my home and he was a large part of my life, because not only did I care for him, but I'm pretty sure I loved him too.

How can I love someone who is so toxic for me?

Someone who made me doubt if I was good enough for them? 

I am invested way too much and don't know how to dig myself out because he helped me become more comfortable in my skin, he showed me what it felt like to actually let someone in that I cared about, he was my first.

The first guy that grazed my skin and touched my heart:

He made me feel like I was fierce and heart warming, 

That it was okay to be me.

I don't know how to live without him since he's been part of my air these past six months.

All I know is that I care about him and I screwed up, and there's no going back.

I just want to go back to where him and I were five days ago, elated to see one another and here we are not speaking. 

So I allow these tears to run down my Cheeks because I know I can't be strong anymore, I've given up. 

Given up on not only him, but us.

Guavas

The scent of guavas filled the air as I walked into his house for the first time, and I was immediately brought back to my childhood days at my grandparents house, where we picked fruit off the guava trees and laughed. As delicately we plucked the fruit from the trees and placed them into our plastic crates, we took them inside and washed away the layers of dirt, all the while creating moments of bliss.

This is what I was immediately reminded of when I walked into the home that I would soon become familiar with for the next four months. Four months of sleep overs, late nights, and first times with a man I believed loved me back.

How can it be that his name caresses my lips so well?

Did it ever occur to me that he would become my very first and last thought through my mind during the day?

His silhouette sends my pulse running, while my beating heart is ignited beneath his touch. Here I am, eager for his smile, his laugh, and the essence of his presence.

Take me back to last night where we didn't feel the need for more, we just shared the space between us and indulged in pillow talk.

Is it strange that I feel closest to you during these intimate moments?

We had an adventure of car rides the other day, driving miles against the sunset missing freeway exits while listening to our favorite songs in the car playing karaoke with one another. I glanced over my left shoulder and never wanted the moment to end as I watched you behind the steering wheel, singing along to your favorite song. I was pulled in even deeper into my feelings for you as the corner of your mouth pulled into a smile and the sound your laugh warmed my chest. There was a gleam in your eyes during this moment and I remember it so vividly.

The closer we get to the end of our relationship, I'm reminded of our great moments on how it all started. I'm reminded of how we both fell for one another.

So seamless, so effortless, our souls complemented one another. You were my first and as bittersweet this may be, I can feel myself giving up on not only you, but us.

I can't continue to keep fighting for someone who won't even try. Why did it take me four months to realize our unhealthy habits and gain the strength to walk away?

We care too fiercely, our passion rooted in our upbringing and culture, urging us to keep going, even if it's time to pull away. 

So, I fall asleep with your pajamas on my skin, and breathe in your scent, wishing it was you instead. I want more, and that's just something you can't give me, and I've realized now that that's okay.

Silent Heartbeats

Last night, I shared the same bed with you as I dozed off on top of your chest.

You made me feel safe and secure because no matter what we faced or how many times it felt like we were tearing apart, we found our ways back to one another.

It was the first time I just listened to your heartbeat for a while.

Do you remember the last time we were this close?

It was our first time, my first time together with you.

So intimate and so vulnerable.

I was reminded back to the Fourth of July when we intertwined our fingers in reclined car seats by the oceans shore, and watched the sun rise.

Before you and me, became we, us.

You've ignited something within me, I never knew existed. Being with you is a reggaeton love song.

I fell for those quick moments when I'd catch a glimpse of your long lashes that guide your gaze when you look at me; the chuckle of your laugh, or the way your smile lights up when you're happy. I fell for those late nights and early mornings, where there was no pressure for more, because us two just being together was enough.

Although, out melody ends in C major, bright and unified. I can't help from grinning, because I'm completely head over heels for you, imperfections, flaws and all. I want you whole, no matter what you look like or become.

To me, you'll always be the man that saw me whole and still wanted to be with me, all of me. Being with you is like ordering three tacos de al pastor and getting four con todo. I never asked for this to happen, it just happened so naturally and so organic, because we just clicked.

However, I know this isn't love because we're not meant to be. As great as this is, we're temporary, you're temporary and it's only a matter of time until we fall back into our old ways and drift apart; but for good. This isn't healthy, and I keep going back to you because I don't want to lose you. But, I should just let go of all of this now before it gets to a point where it's unbearable, like last fall. And, I've gone so far to get pulled back to those days.

You're not just part of my routine, you've become part of the air I breathe and that's when I know I need to take a step back and learn to breathe again, on my own without you. Silent heartbeats fill my chest, and it's your presence in me, it's knowing what could, and yet knowing I shouldn't.