Clear Water

Crisp cool ocean air kissed my cheeks as I drove down south on Pacific Coast Highway.

Despite the amount of luscious blue waves that crash along the shore, deep in my chest this ache still lingers. Is this what letting go feels like? I can feel myself pull away, giving up, retreating like I have before.

A gray hue clouds the blue skies, it's daylight and the sun's in a deep slumber.

Can the place that once brought me peace, comfort me this time around? How can someone so temporary feel so permanent?

Why does he make my foreign emotions resurface? How can I be reminded of the time before he even existed.

"Promise me, you won't come around here" I hear my friend say, in  a memory. My friend was referring to San Mateo Road, when I enjoyed the look of men in to and their rugged behavior.

Now, the only person I long for is the person slipping away. If I pull away, will he notice? I want to continue to enjoy meaningful conversations with someone who makes me a priority, makes me feel safe; who doesn't create a hesitation of doubt in my mind.

I ask myself, don't make any promises, please.

As the third month approaches, the image of the red brick structures sharpen, along with the view of green hills and silver pull up bars. Each man from that place I believed to have meant something to me have faded away and maybe in a few months time, he'll be there with the rest of them. With someone new.

The songs I have been searching for to describe me right now, have been found and it's like a melody strings my emotions into a web of lyrics.

Strong. Determined. Eager to breathe new air in my lungs to erase this ache that lingers and weighs in my chest. 

No Promises, Please.

Here I am returning to my little blue book, seeking answers, confirmation, a reason to not fight these burning emotions.

Who knows how many more times I will repeat these words, but he's different, and he makes me want to be a better me. He makes me want to erase my troubled past and start over, be new and refreshed instead of the damaged and used foolish young girl I feel I am.

Do I even deserve him? Why does he like me? Is there a reason to care for him if he'll be leaving so soon.

Writing in warm scented coffee shops allow me to reflect on what I should do.

The conflicted emotions are so burdening and necessary all in one. He's a genuine good man who deserves a good girl and I don't know if I'm even good anymore.

It's wrong to say that my past defines me, but it's also wrong and utterly mesmerizing falling for someone.

"When will I see you again?"

I can still hear his words ring in my ears.

"Oh no, you need to go, we can talk another time" I say, when he interrupts my protest to end our time together because I fear to burden him or keep him from his obligations.

"It's okay, I want to hear more about you, please."

Do I deserve someone so good and genuine, yes. But, why now?

It's like when I finally meet someone, it's suddenly slipping away.

He leaves in one month if everything stays to plan. Fifteen days after my 21st birthday and his daily messages will disappear.

This isn't fair. He's young and has a whole future ahead of him and here I am fighting the urge to hold onto him.

We just met and it already feels like goodbye.

How can I deny the truth that I've learned so well. Men in the military roam, seek out what they don't have, they look for a good time; I would know. And, that is okay; but I don't know if it's right to get attached if I already know the reality of the situation.

Who am I to steal his youth? Who am I to take a chance and create roots with him, before our seeds have even been planted?

With each day that passes, I feel my feelings deepening and my heart aching even more.

Just please, promise me no promises.

Burning Lights

I imagine the electricity that will ignite within me when you kiss me. How can we be so intimate and yet so affectionately distant?

I'm in a constant battle with my emotions for you, for me, and us.

It was just yesterday we were video chatting one another, laughing over your silly catch phrases and my poster filled childhood bedroom. Yet, here I am trying to find a song that resembles what I feel.

I would've never thought of myself to be one hiding behind the curtains to be with you, yet here I am doing just that. It's all in our whispered conversations and hushed encounters where we murmur under our breaths that we won't tell anyone about us.

Living in secret, and being each other's firsts. I'll never forget the feeling of your palm on mine, and how our fingers intertwined as we fell asleep lying by one another.

Just like how when your chest pressed against mine behind locked doors and shallow breaths.

I can feel myself becoming numb to the emotions of warmth from around me, because of our heated touches.

I just have to make sure I don't let continue any further than it already has.

1 a.m. Conversations

I guess our numbered moments had an expiration date.

Our love gave me a reason to write again, just like how his actions reminded me how to place the shield against my emotions.

I had forgotten what it had felt like, and then suddenly remembered it all at once for it to be gone.

If i had known he didn't want me before I started falling, I could've stopped myself.

But no, I fell willingly into the arms of someone able to catch me, but someone choosing not too.

When I close my eyes, I'm brought back to the moments at 1 am; as his hands grazed the back of my neck and his fingers traced the outline of my body.

I soaked in all the emotions that sent sensations throughout me.

While his body pressed against mine, I couldn't help but pull him closer to mine, so we could close the gap distancing us apart.

Here I am, repeating our 1 am late conversations to the moon about you, because being with you was enough.

Tattoo

There was a sense of excitement when I saw you appear and glance in my direction. It was a dry several months until you came around, but here you were walking towards me and it was all happening so suddenly.

Five weeks ago we had our first thrilling adventure together, and thirty five days later we were closer than ever.

How did I let it become to this, now as I recount it all; I so desperately sought you out that I became a new me to be with you.

It's like in the past when I thought I could hold onto someone by sharing a moment more than us two being together, and not even that was strong enough.

So now as I sit in a filled coffee shop, I think of where I would've been if you had responded, if you had wanted me; if you really cared. There's no going back, and I completely own up to my actions in my past and decisions I've made.

It's mutual, the wants we need and the feelings shared, we had agreed no feelings; yet here I am getting attached to you always being there.

You were the second person I let in, yet the first of its own that time was spent with and shared.

You caught me at your sideways glances, crooked smile and late night talks to the moon about how I thought you made me feel. You showed me new parts of the world that existed, I hadn't explored before except you never were enough for me emotionally and maybe that's why it fell into place so seamlessly.

Yet, it's like ever since we've been together, my whole body warms and tingles when someone mentions your name or I see you. And, it's funny how things change over night between the hours of midnight to five in the morning.

We were there seeking one another at midnight, and several hours later there we were getting lost within the warm summer mornings watching the sun rise into the sky.

I'm sure you aren't going to be the first tattoo that lingers on my skin, so take me back to summer nights, sweaty palms and foggy windows.

Midnight Sparklers

I glanced over my shoulder and there you were, gazing right back at me; hands intertwined with a foolish grin; we laid our heads down and fell asleep side by side.

This particular year, is the first of it's own and one for the books.

Ethan and I started off the Fourth of July laughing in his car, surrounded by an empty parking lot. We shared stories, mentioned embarrassing moments and allowed time to pass us by like it usually does.

As the evening soon began to turn into the wee hours of the morning, and it was time to go home; we collected our glass Coca Cola bottles and turned on the car. Unfortunately, we left the car battery on for too long without the gas, so the ignition wouldn't start the vehicle. 

Here we were inside his convertible with the windows down at 2 am at a parking lot by our work, stranded.

My car was several feet away, so we relocated to my car and I was now given the task to drive us to his house to drop him off. 

There was a spark in his eyes as he glanced back at me, almost as the light above, and the stars in the evening sky.

Who would've known Ethan would come into my life and be the one to remind me what it felt like to laugh with a man by my side. The feeling of being safe, secure, protected.

Before him I had felt the terrifying fear of silent closure. There was no way to take back all the time and emotions invested in the person I would've willing lost myself.

But, that was all before him.

Ethan.

Our daylight explorations soon became late night escapes into wherever our young minds led us.

I can't continue to feel these emotions for a man who would want less than I'm willing to settle for. He made me feel like I could be enough, and i was enough for the two of us.

Clinging onto my aching chest is him, so I press his Old Spice scent against me and bury my mind in the sea of emotions. There's no way to forget the way we laughed our way through the night and laid in comfortable silence by one another.

On our way to his house, we decided to go to the beach and let the sun be our first firework for our Fourth of July.

Upon arriving, we opened the sun roof, reclined the seats, and enter twined our hands. We placed our palms against each other and dozed off into a slumber. As we fell asleep, our hands curled around one another and we let the sound of the ocean be our background music.

The ringing of our alarm went off at 5:40 a.m, where we laid side by side and watched the glimmering sun rise into the illuminescent sky.

Is it just me who feels this electric charge between us two, I ask myself. It can't just be I.

During Fall, I allowed my heart to bleed the red and brown hue of Autumn's colors. Once January rolled around, I had to learn how to find myself and who I was once was. Now as summer approaches, it's like the songs that held constant repeat on my playlists, lowered in volume and had less resonance.

The only emotions I have now are confusion on whether we're meant to be, if it's worth the risk, or even just a summer crush.

Fourth of July

Fourth of July fireworks ignite the evening sky, while I gaze above from this small little town.

I'm lost and yet surrounded by a filled coffee shop full of writers and poets and entrepreneurs that seek out the future through each blink.

I despise the feeling of insecurity and unsureness.

Right when I feel like all is beginning to make sense, and we're almost there; here we go again, in a circle.

I can't contain these emotions and these thoughts.

I like him, I really do and each time I'm close to telling him how I feel, the moment changes.

Why must I be the one to make initiative? Why must I make the first move?

Does he even care? It feels like it's all one sided because of some silly bet he's made with himself.

Why feel like this when there's so much more to feel. Why put myself through this.

Is he even worth a love so deep, that I'm afraid of falling for too?

I'm back now and I realize that it's time to let him go, time to move onto someone new, someone to fill this small void he left and mend this ache in my chest.

It's the Fourth of July and the only spark igniting is the flame as it touches the fireworks.

This sudden realization and epiphany dulls the scenery around me and holds the moment that's been lost.

The what if's, the could've beens, but not the should've been; because we aren't meant to be together, not one bit at all.

Thank goodness I never kissed him I tell myself.

Thank goodness we were nothing more than just friends.

Thank goodness he made me feel safe, acknowledged, accepted, and wanted me.

But, he didn't want me enough, and that's okay.

I felt something for the first time in a long time and acted upon it so suddenly that I focused on being with him, that I forgot what it felt like to actually be with him.

I won't wait up this Fourth of July as the fireworks glimmer in the evening sky. I'll be awake, take in everything around me and just let it all be. 

As the bright colors fill up the sky, there should be a way to borrow some of the light from the night and paint away this gazing hue.

Skyscraper Love

Sometimes you just have to continue to love in order to let go.

If you love enough, you'll be able to let go and slightly everything becomes a bit more bearable.

I really thought there was something.

There were the slight tingly feeling of butterflies when I was with him and the warm feeling in my chest.

My head would hurt of laughter after our afternoons together as I waited or him to kiss me. But, instead there were just long gazes.

Although, it never came; I was happy with how comfortable I felt around him.

We sought out the world and enjoyed one another's company.

It would never happen and I'm foolish enough to believe that there was an opportunity of something between us two.

I let the words of others cloud my mind in what I thought we were, and it was never just him and I.

If I had only known that the spark we had ignited and the bond we shared were to be limited to what we have now, I wouldn't have allowed myself to feel like this, or feel for you.