Muted Fireworks

One year ago, I woke up beside him with our fingers intertwined and watched the sunrise together alongside the beach.

I remember thinking how his lips would feel on mine and how much butterflies I felt when he glanced in my direction, it’s like his smile sent this warmth within me.

Today we’re two strangers.

Someone who was everything to me, and I loved more than myself at times, it was strange to create new memories without him.

I lay down beneath my blankets, and remember how his skin felt against mine while being pressed down on his sheets.

For so long I was emotionally and mentally manipulated that I forgot what life was like without his presence. I became dependent on his approval, and deep voice that reassured me when I felt like I couldn’t do things by myself.

I was learning and I still am.

I don’t gaze at the fireworks in the sky because the spark within me is no longer there, it’s filled with this dull, numbness.

I feel so empty, it’s like he stole the joy from within me.

It’s another hard day of many, and I’m waiting for those few good days to come, eventually.

Break Ups

Break ups.

How do people do this, I ask myself? Never once did I ever want to go through this pain again, but it’s like it gets worse each time.

I gave myself wholly to someone who loved in parts. I felt this joy in me when his smile lit up, his warmth filled a room, just like my favorite sound was his chuckle that made me want to just gaze at him and wonder how we found one another.

No matter the issue, disagreement or differences we always found our way back to one another; yet this time we’re two worlds apart.

Strangers.

It’s so peculiar since we know one another’s schedules inside and out, all these small details about one another, but being face to face, there’s this distance between us.

I fell for someone who only chose me when it was beneficial and convenient for them, cared for me in parts, when I’d take him whole on his grumpy mornings, cartoon filled movie nights, warm blankets on heated summer nights. I wanted to believe we belonged to one another. But just like a ticking time bomb, the truth was there all along and I just chose to avoid the abusive relationship, the manipulative behavior and control he had over my emotions and my body.

I kept believing it was worth it because I was clinging to those few good times, but they weren’t enough to last a lifetime.

Starting Over

I hate him, loathing him is much easier than feeling this betrayal.

When I saw him, it was like the wind was knocked out of my chest and I couldn’t breathe. Tears filled my eyes and it’s like I was no longer gazing at the stars under the sky.

Now we were strangers, now he wanted nothing to do me, and now that meant it was time for me to start over and leave behind a past with someone I so desperately fought to build a future with.

The one person who was my go to, my left hand when I wrote with my right was no longer there. Learning to walk again on my two feet has never felt so daunting without him but my side.

All my favorite places have his touch, his presence isn’t there yet it lingers in my mind just like his soul against mine on late nights and say escapes.

It’s a whirlwind of events all going on at once, and I can’t take it anymore.

So I lay awake in bed rereading his words that broke my heart to see if they made any difference than the night before. I scroll through my photo album and see photos of our time together, him, us, and it burns into my chest as I remember the happiness I once felt

To the emptiness I feel now.

I rely on blue ocean waters and this notebook and pen to allow me to escape his face I’ll see soon. It’s like reliving a nightmare every time I see him.