Home

     Last night's dew hung onto the windshield as I entered my car. 11 PM late night drives had become so normal to me, however this time I was home and not twenty miles away. I was going home to sleep alone in my own bed and not alongside him, whom I had shared the comfort of the L shaped couch for the past two months.

     Five months spending time with one another, three months together and two months of us growing with one another; it was a relationship I had never experienced before. Yes, we may have been unhealthy with our constant on and off, however; we always found our ways back to one another.

     The scent of his Old Spice no longer clings to his clothes he's left behind, just like how the sound of my laughter no longer echos throughout the walls of his home.

     Because, for a while he was my home.

     And my, was that an experience like no other.

     I'm grateful for our extended summer romance. He was my first sober love, rooted in friendship and united through laughter, tacos al pastor, and sleepless nights watching cartoons beside the television.

     It's easier to move on, when you can hate them at the same time. His character become unrecognizable at the end, to the man I had gotten to know during our more serious months; he was no longer sweet and kind. He was the cold, distant man I first met, and that's when I realized there really no going back to the man who once made me feel safe, comfortable, home.

     So, I created a home within myself, without him.

Este Noche

Today, not only did I decide to choose joy, yet I allowed myself to smile through the clear skies and ocean waves.

No longer do I long for my wants, because I've learned to let go and let you be.

No statue worth moving, no opinion worth changing, you're nothing more than a broken record, on contant, melodic repeat.

I allowed your words to convince me that I was home.

A false set of walls entered me; you were nothing except a temporary filler.

When I believed you to be permanent, I'm reminded of the person I found myself distancing.

How did our rushed conversations become filled with silence, there was no purpose in being with you if there was no possibility of us, an us.

Este noche, I won't leave with you even if our old habits return.

I've learned to resist the sparkle in your eyes when you glance my way. I won't allow my body to become alive under your soft touch.

The only thing that will ignite, will be my soul as I seek my better self, a self without you.

I can close my eyes and remember our heated seconds. Only seconds, because we were just the flicker of a flame.

L Shaped Couches

Do you think the oceans water at midnight would be warm against my skin, I ask myself as I drive down the highway that once provided solace. Here I am seeking a truth beyond measure, a life worth purpose.

This may feel as though everything is in disarray, but maybe this is the meaning of all this.

As we entered our third month together of our untitled relationship, I couldn't help but ask myself what I was doing.

We had a tendency of having these great moments of us together, clicking with one another and time seeming to pass us by as we watched movies on the L shaped couch and laid side by side. Yet, right when all is going well, we hit a sense of turbulence.

I let my walls down with him.

I opened myself with him in a way I have never done with another. It was never those moments of heated touches that bonded us together; it was the way him and I fell asleep by another side by side in peace, without the need for anything more.

He helped me find a confidence I didn't know existed within me, yet also make me doubt my own worth in a relationship.

His name is no longer a murmur on my lips, just a faint memory of blurred summer nights and early autumn orange hued leaves.

Sola

     Cool 64 degree cofee shops filled with the scent of coffee beans and espresso have a way of speaking to my soul.

     It's been a while since a pen has marked my college ruled notebook, and words seem to fill my mind while my soul seeks a purpose.

     Sola.

     Yo estoy aqui and yo no se qu me quieres.

     Mi vida esta aqui pero todo that awaits me is beyond the barrier that divides my wants from my needs.

     I've learned to become dependent on the numbing sensation in my blood that ignites my insides and eases the reality surrounding me.

     I knowingly know I shouldn't rely on alcohol to calm my beating pulse and surroundings that feed into my energy, me.

     So, I turn back to the sound of the bass and hope it drowns this ache in my chest. School, work, family... him.

     Why can't the cold water brush against my toes and pull this gray cloud like how it does with these waves.

     To love without being loved back explains exactly what the man I wished cared for me  was capable of. And, if that's not that they're not capable, it's that they don't want too.

     He's sweet, respectful and a great guy that I fell for. Despite whatever draw backs that might've pushed me away, helps me to cling even closer.

     I close my eyes and imagine his palm placed on the small of my bak, and pulling me close. But, no. his hands are on another girl and here I am tearing apart inside with each glance I share.

     How does he not know I can't look into his eyes and fall even deeper when he smiles back at me. But, the truth is that he knows and it's not enough, I'm not enough, for him.

     I cling on to him because I want him any way I can have him, not realizing the shards of glass I scrape against my heart, beneath my chest. pressing against my lungs and leaving me breathless wanting more.