Closed Chapters

The idea of the man I wish you are, is greater than the reality that exists.

As your memory pierced through each breath I inhaled, I am okay with accepting you as my past.

I like the person I wish you were, the man I would want you to be, not the person before me now.

Thank you for letting me down, and thank you because without you I would've continued to walk around blind. Without the glasses to show me the clear vision that you are not who I believe you to be.

As utterly human and flawed as you are, I embrace your qualities; the lack of maturity, the feigned effort, inconsistent communication and empty promises you failed to keep.

I'm grateful we ended.

Despite the tears and heartache, I believe it has been for the best because you were never man enough to be responsible for the truth.

The truth that wasn't only asked for but expected, the truth you failed to share, the truth you failed to keep.

It's crazy how as time has passed since we ended, I leaned into the idea of who I romanticized you to be and now with each action I am reminded that you are utterly human and not a dream.

You chose to cause pain, you chose to lie, you chose to hurt those who only wanted to give you love.

Thank you for the pain, I am strong enough to sit with it and be self aware to not hurt another.

I was given the opportunity to feel again, and like an answered prayer - it's time to accept your chapter in my life has closed. May it never reopen, and may it stay sealed.

Utterly Human

It's a new year, and I see you revisiting old memories with past characters from previous chapters.

I will hold a soft spot for the ones I loved who never loved me back. Maybe, the joy I brought to their lives answered the silent prayers they had asked for. Unknowingly, I was the answer, and they were my lessons.

Filled with adventure and fuzzy words, I close my eyes and can almost hear the faint laughter of your laugh, feel the warmth of your arms holding me, and feel the safety I felt in your presence. I also recall vividly one year ago the anxiety and how alone I felt in a relationship with a man who was once my world - pulling away. As painful as the experience of heartbreak has been, I survived.

I survived the most challenging year of my life, filled with loss, moving, changing careers, ending an unloving relationship, loneliness, and a year of emotional and physical pain.

I survived.

Is this what forgiveness looks like? Finding peace with the past, feeling a sense of nostalgia and affection for past characters, and being okay with leaving their memories in the past?

This was the first holiday season without you, even though last year we were arguing, fighting to make a relationship live that had already died. We wanted two different things, and sometimes love isn't enough. I see that even more now, sometimes love really isn't enough to change the reality of life.

While I was focusing on healing, unknowingly someone walked into my life and it felt like the sun on a warm beach day. Despite the gloomy weather outside and foggy clouds from the winter air, his soft-spoken words and kindness gave me warmth and reminded me that I was worthy of being loved.

When he was ready, I wasn't. Returning to one another like moths to a flame, we always found a way back to each other. One week, one month, two months later, he was my safe haven, the person who made me feel like I was worth loving, worth living, worth waiting patiently until I was ready to trust again.

Life has a funny way of showing us that no matter how great something may feel, life is just temporary and nothing is ever permanent.

He gave me a reason to write again, to sing again, to smile again, to laugh, to feel alive. Thank you for the gift of reigniting my joy, and even though our chapter was short, he will always hold a soft spot in my heart as the man who may have made mistakes and felt insecure of who he was - but, was utterly human to me.

A human that I would choose again in another life, just not this one.