Falling - Chapter 4

I woke up with the blood of my pain on my palms.

The same palms where my fingers intertwined with yours.

There’s a slight sting as cold water rinses over to bead off the pain of your sweet presence.

I miss your finger tips, your soft caresses, the crinkle around your eyes as you smiled and the twinkle in those hazel hue irises. 

Iridescent like the ignited passion I felt for you under the August summer sun.

Fireworks, magical, a twin flame aligned with one another’s desires.

But it wasn’t enough.

Wasn’t enough to sustain the emotions of life’s challenges, you were the only one I was willing to let my guard down for.

The only one that showed kindness, who was gentle and respected us until we became we.

As the last night of us approaches, I close my eyes and remember your chest against mine as I felt all of you with me as one, lost in your presence, breaths in unison under your touch.

I wish I could go back and tell myself to hold your hand tighter, embrace you for one more hug, give one extra kiss before saying goodbye and fall into each moment before they all disappeared.

And here they all are, distant memories, and the dreams of you I wish we could’ve created.

You’ll always hold a special place in my sweet heart. As the one who patiently reminded me that I was worth loving, worth living, worth being given a second chance.

Falling - Chapter 3

In a year of growth and pain, you have been a bright light.

While reminiscing on the challenges and low points I’ve faced this year, being with you have been some of the highlights of my memories.

Singing along with you, and getting lost in your hazel eyes.

You have reminded me what it feels like to feel again. Warmth from the sun on a beach day, reminded of what it feels like to fall for someone’s smile, laugh, and soft chuckles - you reminded me what it feels like to feel again.

I still remember looking over to my left and seeing the sparkle in your eyes, the sparkle I could get lost in for another hundred blinks.

Falling, is this what it is? Falling for the man I knew less than one month in.

The first time he held my hand, I was scared. Slight electric tingles ignited by touch, afraid of the possibility, lost in the possibility, enamored in who he was as I gazed into his eyes.

I wish now I could go back to all those moments and kiss his soft cranberry lips and say “I missed you” while enveloped in his embrace. 

What I would do to blink and recreate all the moments we would’ve shared together, instead of so far apart because I was afraid.

Afraid of the what if, afraid of letting go of my walls, afraid of the potential hurt, so much so I guarded myself with walls so high no one could enter, not even myself.

It took losing everything, losing myself to gain who I was again.

As I picked myself off the ground from the blows of obstacles this year has faced, I saw his kindness, his gentleness, his warmth and his soft smile that reminded me that I too was special.

Falling - Chapter 2

I close my eyes and fall into my day dream, the same reoccurring day dream I have been thinking about for the past two weeks. My chest rises as I catch my breath and get caught in what I hope to experience with him.

And my thoughts drift off.

It’s actually sweet, really sweet. It starts with Danny picking me up for a date, all I know is that I can turn my brain off and be led, I lean into the leather seats and exhale a sigh of peace. The cars hum by us as we drive down the 5 freeway and gradually make our way to the 133 off Barranca Parkway. 

Glancing over to my left, I steal a glance of his gaze ahead, his brows furrowed together focused on the road. Daniel catches my gaze and extends his right hand over the center console and intertwines our fingers and gives my hand a little squeeze, while the corners of his lips raise into a smile. I get lost in the crinkle of his eyelids and sparkle in his eyes, the comfort of his palm against mine, our breaths aligned.

I pick up my phone to send him a text of the unfolding of that day dream's events, desperate to share with him and soon have it be our reality. I open our messages and begin typing.

We go to the beach, specifically Laguna Beach. As you park the car and walk over to open my door, you help me down since I’m wearing a dress and you’re wearing a navy dress shirt with shorts. 

You hold my hand and guide us through the sand to what looks like a picnic from a distance. As we approach closer, there’s a soft linen blanket covered with a wooden table filled with assorted snacks, flowers and decor. We sit side by side and lean against plush pillows eating grapes and strawberries when you tell me how much you’ve enjoyed getting to know one another and ask me to be your girlfriend. Overlooking the blue water and the sound of the crashing waves, as we lean in to kiss all we hear are each others heartbeats as I say yes on your lips. 

That’s my dream, it’s cute, it’s sweet and with you and our picnic along PCH where we remember fondly of us after our hike driving on PCH with the windows down singing to Last Drive Down Main where I looked over at you and saw a sparkle in your eyes. Instantly, I’m pulled back to the present moment and look at you now on the sandy beach seated side by side on the white linen blanket, I gaze into your soft hazel eyes and see them illuminate and sparkle like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

Falling - Chapter 1

This felt safe, this felt meaningful, this felt like I found someone I could share my peace with. Someone who doesn't take, but adds to the understanding of peace.

Who would've thought I would start dating again, who would've thought I could find someone who matches my calmness. Has a desire for adventure, a smile that pulls the corner of my lips gleaming across my face, a personality of warmth and thoughts cool and peaceful, laughter that softens and deepens the affection I feel for him.

Being with him feels like warmth underneath the beaming sun on a low tide cool blue beach day.

As each day passes, I feel my affection for him deepen in my chest. It deepens with every conversation and fun fact I learn about him.

I catch myself looking over my shoulder to steal a peak at his soft hazel eyes or see the crinkle of his eyelids when the corners of his mouth fold into a smile.

I am mesmerized by his laugh, his kindness, the calmness of his presence, and the ripple of laughter his jokes create in a room.

Does the dictionary have a word to describe the emotions of warmth, happiness, and peace his presence evokes?

I close my eyes and remember where his fingertips last grazed my skin, gentle and firm like his lips on mine. I think of cranberries, our own inside joke to reference sweet kisses. Those sweet and heated kisses I felt myself falling for each time I saw him, I closed my eyes and leaned in towards those soft lips of his and felt my chest light like a feather, safe in his arms, desired and enamored with him.

"You're falling for me," I tease as we pull away from our embrace to catch fresh air. However, it is me who is falling too. Falling for the sound of his voice, his calmness, his ambition, his desire for growth, and his vulnerability to accept me for me.