Bad Bunny

This warm bed holds me hostage in fear of what lies on the outside.

There's nothing to hold tight against my skin except these sheets, and as I pull the warm covers over my head; I can't help to forget your memory.

You weren't the first, but the first of its kind.

What happened to us?

I'm so proud of this strength I didn't know existed within me, as I fought the urge to contact you within these past 48 hours after we called it a quits.

I find myself replaying your favorite songs and artists in my headphones as I subconsciously still hold onto your fading presence. 

While I drive, I look over my shoulder and catch a glance at where you once sat, and where our bodies intertwined during the night.

But, I can't keep holding onto you, or let you back in when we reunite again because we used each other, and as much as I miss you; I know you much better now and realize you're not what I want, and that's okay.

May have taken me four months filled with daylight escapes and late nights, but I'm glad I never kissed you; even though I so desperately wanted too. I'm glad, because now I know I can breathe without you.

No Hay Titulo

Amor, no hay titulo y estas bien.

Our relationship didn't need a title to explain what we were since it only mattered to us both.

I seek your presence in a crowd and accept the numb stillness that fills this empty void in my chest.

I must accept our lost escapes and false searches for one another.

Was I nothing to you when you felt like everything to me?

I can't help but fight this feeling of searching for you, searching for a lost cause, another goodbye, one more chance.

I leave you be and hope you seek me, like how my eager soul does for you.

Tell me where we stand, because I can't take another day without your voice, another second without your long lashes, another night without your body besides mine.

I raise the volume to match the beating of my aching chest.

One day with you, became a summer season; filled with seedless sunflowers. 

Sunflower

His name left a soft murmur on my lips, almost like how his memories are still fresh in my thoughts.

I saw him today and only glanced for a quick moment before turning away because I didn't want to look at the man who brought me to tears, who made me feel broken.

Yet, this is only part one.

I'll have to continue to see him until the memories fade away and all I see is man, and not the person I was willing to sacrifice myself for.

Is this how love works?

I allow the alcohol to numb my veins as I reminisce on the days we shared. I seek for a reason, a meaning, a sign to guide me to what it means to be whole.

I was finding myself when I met him and pieced myself together as we unfolded with one another, and before our clothes became small piles on the floor, his soul pressed against my skin like his fingertips on my body.

I let him see me, because I so desperately believed he cared for me like how I willing sought him.

It's okay, I already recognize the pattern we've created and realize it's going to be okay.

So, when I look at him now, I don't glance into his eyes in fear he might see what lies beneath. My undisclosed desire that lingers for one more touch, one more breath, a lasting evening of parked car conversations speaking from one soul to another.

Una Noche Más

A thunderous storm hailed in the humid sky, a musk filled atmosphere filled the space around us.

Baby, no me llamas más because I know what I'm feeling is way more than friendship. 

No voy buscando a ti because I'm leaving you in the past, behind everything I thought we couldn't be and will not be.

I hate you for making me feel this way and for introducing me to what it felt like to be wanted and I hate myself for falling for you.

I knew better, I really did. Because you opened my soul before my body became yours, and no matter how many times it was repeated to me that I deserved better; you were the one good thing in all the turmoil in my life.

You brought cool evening skies into my summer nights, friends before this, whatever this is. I thought I'd be able to do it, but how can I walk away from someone whose brought so much light into my life.

It's almost easier to continue hurting myself for the sake of keeping you, because I don't know what to do once you leave.

I knew, from the beginning; but it's your addiction I craved, each and every second.

I craved your presence, the sound of your laugh, the way you'd poke my forehead, the way you felt beside me, inside me.

Pero no es igual, no.

Escápate Conmigo

I raise the sunroof on top of my car and eagerly search for stars above, some type of light to guide me, remind me why I fell for you.

The only things echoing through the walls is the pulse of my beating heart you left.

There's this dull ache in my chest, like someone has taken a piece of me and all there's left is this empty space.

I hope that when you're with her, you don't think of me because I was nothing more than an in between for you when you were an everything for me.

Empty skies fill me and there's no escaping your touch.

I don't want to remember your lips on my skin as you kissed pieces of me reserved for no one except you; yet your lips never met mine. So maybe that's what made it so much easier to just fuck.

Because fuck intimacy when you can cut off emotions and just forget how human our existences are.

You taught me what it felt like to be cold, stop feeling the hearts and butterflies; and my lips learned to kiss nothing except my chapstick.

Yet, it's not fair how I seek your crooked smile in a crowd, and wait to see the glow in your eyes as you laugh. 

I just wish it was easy to escape with you. Escape somewhere where nothing else matters except us, and I'm holding on; holding onto false hope.

So, I remove your name off my favorite list, delete the nickname on my phone and put away the photos of our days together; because there's no use. 

I'm breaking up with you, Because it's a new year and I can already feel myself returning to these old memories I told myself good bye, a long time ago.

Cool Waters

It's like the one person I'm longing for, is the one who's leaving my grasp.

How can it be where this never ending sunny California is changing seasons?

New beginnings, new people, new challenges.

Why is it just hitting me now? How can our late night phone calls of us being eachothers background noise be so full of everything. You're everything I thought I'd never need, yet there you were, with your silly puns and long lashes. You made me feel like no matter what, as long as you were there, despite whatever is going on, you were there and it'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

But, that's not the case anymore because the connection that united us is now gone.

I can feel you pulling away, I can feel myself drawing away from you and learning to depend on the side of numbness, the cold, being alone.

I already know from my past I must be weary, but how can I be cautios of my heart if you're my very thoughts and breaths.

So, I keep you close and hold your memory dear. But, I remove our photos and videos together. This time, we start fresh, go back to our days of friendship. There's no use of wondering if you ever cared or not, because I know you do, you care about me and respect me; just don't feel the same way as I do about you.

You're a lost boy still figuring out life, just like I'm a wide eyed writer soaking in the life around me. I'm healing and know I'm okay and I will be okay.

You're my first summer romance, and I'm okay with us just being that.