Neon In A Grey Crowd

It was another summer day, filled with the sun's radiance and cool ocean breeze.

I come to the beach to escape, unwind, find my center and be whole.

My happy place.

The Los Angeles traffic suddenly became worth the forty minute drive as soon as my toes touched the Cali' sand. One hand held the boogie board, while the other was interlaced around my pair of black sandals.

With each step I took, I was reminded on why I came.

I place my pair of sandals down beside my boogie board, opened my camouflage backpack and brought out my little blue book of stories.

A little blue book filled with stories of many journal entries, tear stained pages and blank sections written in emotions.

I'm oceans away from whatever lies beyond the distance.

While tying my hair into a bun behind my head, I catch the glimpse of a surfer leaning onto their board before entering the cool waves. As the surfer gains momentum and rides the currents, he glances over in my direction, smiles, and then suddenly crashes into an oncoming wave.

Taken aback, the surfer chuckles and exits the water, then begins to walk over to where I'm sitting. 

There's no doubt he's making a direct beeline towards me.

I begin to ask myself, he couldn't have meant to be walking towards me, or is he? There wasn't anyone else around me since I was the only person by the lifeguard tower, and he's walking in this exact direction. Now he was only a few steps away.

Suddenly, blond hair, pink swim trunks and a handsome surfer soon blocks my view of the ocean.

"You sure have a way of making people fall for you," he states as he approaches me.

I'm able to get a real glimpse at him. He's tall, tanned from the days surfing under the sun's rays, wearing bright pink swim trunks and water glistens from his body in the light. He was hot.

"I'm sorry. I was just looking at the water, then you popped up and I couldn't help but look, I mean look at you-" I blurted before realizing what I was saying, and all I saw was his smile pulling up even further into a grin.

"So, you were checking me out?" He asks with one hand on his surf board and the other gliding through his wet blond hair.

Flushed and now even more embarrassed,  I cover my face with my hands, shake my head; then look up at him and ask "is it too late to start over?"

We both chuckle and introduce ourselves.

For a minute, I forget the guy back home that warms my tummy with each moment we share together, and I smile at the tan surfer with the green eyes.

I hold onto the moment before it ends and we part ways on the sunny summer day.

His name is James, twenty three years young, just graduated from San Francisco State with a degree in marine biology and is currently taking a gap year before entering graduate school. It's too perfect and too easy, there's conversation flowing and it's going well; but the butterflies don't flutter like when I'm with Ethan.

No matter how many James' I meet, there's only one Ethan.

James adds himself on my snapchat through my phone, we promise to snap one another and then he heads off back into the water and I go back to my writing.

I'm left afraid of the possibility and the what if's that could be in store ahead if I go for it with James the surfer dude I met at the beach, compared to Ethan back home where we're so close yet pull away each time.

I can already hear the laughter in the background when I think about how many times I've come to the beach these past five months and finally meet someone.

I've accepted that I'm in love with movie love, the kind of love where it feels like just you two are neon in a grey crowd.

Venice

Not too long ago, I had began to feel slight feelings for Ethan a couple weeks into getting to know one another.

We volunteered at the same organization with similar availability times, so we spent a lot of our time together working side by side assisting low income households toward local resources.

During our quiet periods where there wasn't a large flow of people coming in, we found ourselves alone; and would talk about our pasts.

I'd share my recovery process from my crazy borracha days, and he would tell me about the experiences during his borracho days. 

We were both healing in our own ways, seeking our truth and peace in our own solidarity.

We were recovering from our own heartbreaks, yet unknowingly falling into our own.

After several weeks of laughing at each others stories, and eagerly asking for more to hold onto the moment; the only thing holding us back was each other. Until one day, after talking on the phone like we'd occasionally do every now and then, I let him know I had gotten invited to a kickback and was extending the invite to him as well.

I was excited, but didn't expect much from him. I felt like it meant more to extend the invite, because if I were to see him I honestly don't know what I would've done since it would've been the first time we would be seeing each other outside of our usual uniformed attire and ordinary environment.

After talking to my friend and arriving, there weren't much people until late, so when I did let him know about the event, he casually responded by inviting me over to his house and to bring drinks. 

However, I've heard his stories and although I had a warm feeling in my tummy every time I saw him; it was a step too big for just us yet.

The following day he invited me out this time. He called to invite me over to his house and bring a friend for a friend of his; which meant us two would've been together. I had my own plans of bar hopping so I extended the invite out to him, dropped a pin and didn't expect him to come out. 

Forty miles later and an hour or two so, as I'm leaving the bar for some fresh air, someone grabs ahold of my arm and it was Ethan.

Live in the flesh was the man I thought I'd only see within the confines walls of work, but here he was standing in front of me, with a gleaming smile on his face.

We spent the next twenty minutes talking outside until we parted ways. 

I know crazy right, you drive forty miles to go bar hopping and only talk outside the bar for a bit then part ways.

It didn't sink in that he had driven forty miles just to come see me and say hello, until the next day when we bumped into each other at work. We exchanged glances and didn't talk until we had a moment to ourselves.

It was the first of many adventures.

So young and blind you see, I thought we were just friends and nothing more. 

A week or two later after bar hopping, I found myself impulsively dialing his number outside in the parking lot at work, asking if he'd like to go grab a bite to eat. 

He drove us both in his convertible with the top down to Buffalo Wild Wings, afterwards we walked through Dave & Busters, then went to Round 21 for karaoke and arcade games. He paid for us two that evening and we had a blast getting to know one another, being silly and just being our goofy selves we always were when we were together.

Our dates would either be us two going to the beach together, grabbing tacos or Wings, and walking around the mall. If we were spontaneous we'd mix it up, but that was just our thing.

Time ceased to exist when we were together. We would notice the sun going down and the moon glimmer in the evening sky, but our conversations held on to each minute that passed us by.

My favorite time together had to have been when we had gone to Laguna beach to find out it was unknowingly overcasted, so we relocated to Newport Beach, walked the pier and then drove home to go grab a scoop of ice cream before calling it a night. But, instead we sat in the car with our seats reclined and shared stories about our pasts, cried tears of laughter, sang along to songs, and just laid side by side enjoying our time together.

After a couple hours, we didn't care that we had work the next day early in the morning or what was waiting for us when we got home. It was the moment that we had shared, and how it flowed so naturally against the evening sky. We made a promise to visit Venice Beach next, walk the boardwalk and take pictures against the graffiti inspired cones. 

Our relationship gradually began to grow as we planted the roots, while our glances lingered longer than they could've been, for us two to be just friends.

Lincoln

I drive along the 57 South, and a couple miles before the freeway breaks off into the I-5 South, and the 22 East and 22 West; I exit off Lincoln and find myself driving towards the same place we sat in my car for hours with the seats reclined and allowed time to pass us by.

Now, as I drive I remember those memories and look back at how great they were.

Spontaneous and laughter filled adventures; you accepted all of me, and intently listened to my crazy stories as you had your share fair of your own.

Our glances lingered longer than they could've been to be just friends.

Driving with the top down and the wind in both of our hair, we blasted the music and let the night take us wherever our destination be.

Thank you for letting me get lost with you, even though Google Maps always led us safely back home.

Thank you for being my personal photographer when I asked for the off distance, cute Instagram worthy photos.

We showed each other our favorite spots and fondest memories and songs we related too.

It was the perfect beginning to a summer love.

But, if I've learned anything so far, it's best to not force things and just let whatever may be, be.

To many more beach trips along PCH, walking piers along the ocean's shore, and long meaningful glances.

Why Lincoln Ave, thank you.

PCH Adventure Talkback

It's honestly so strange.

If I reflect on myself six months ago and who I was then; I probably would've never predicted myself to be where I am now.

Happy.

Of course there are days where I overthink, overanalyze and allow my thoughts get the best of me. But, I don't allow the words to consume me like they once had.

Healing.

It took time to forget the blurry young mind that hindered my spirit; yet, I found the strength to push through.

Now, I'm actually doing things for me. Learning through each step, and discovering new opportunities of growth.

I guess the ocean not only reflects the sun's radiance; however, the radiance within.

PCH Adventures

I had to come back.

When really if I think about it, I never left. My body may have fled another destination, but my soul stayed here at the ocean.

Can these oceans waves give me the answer to my dilemma.

Fighting emotions.

Conflicted.

I know I shouldn't allow myself to be vulnerable again, for the last time I caved, I got my heart broken.

I had to piece myself back together and I don't know if I'm ready to do that again so soon.

So, I come to the sea alone and watch the oceans waves crash against one another.

I feel the brisk breeze sweep by me and just breathe.

I breathe in the salty air, and gaze off into the distance while surrounded by miles of sand.

The ocean that had been there for me throughout it all, I seek out an answer.

I drive back to where I once left myself. My past self that was blind to these past several months. I recollect an old piece of myself and treasure it.

In time to come, who knows what's in store.

I'm just preparing myself for what I can feel is arising.

Twist Off Smirnoffs

I had a dream about you the other day.

There are so many of you that it's hard to keep track.
Yet, there's only one you, whose name still stings the tip of my tongue.
My eyes burn as they so eagerly want to close.
But, my yearning soul says terribly no, because you've entered my thoughts and my brain stopped.

Here I go again.

Is it because I've met someone new?
The moment I try to move on is when your memory seems to reappear and linger.
I can no longer go to the place that once brought me peace and made me feel whole, because you tainted my beautiful memories.

You can be thousands of miles away and we could've not spoken for months but as soon as I'm about to share my soul with someone else, I can feel my emotions graze the scars you left.

The beauty of all of this is that you were my first. So there will never be a way to forget the first lips that kissed mine.

The first man that made me feel like everything would be okay because you were there, 
To comfort, 
To heal, 
To be there.

But, that's okay.

Because everything's a lesson right?

I wasn't enough and as much as that has haunted me, maybe you weren't enough for me, either.

I have to push through the cloud of your memories to reach the opposite side of the bridge.

I was young and foolish and yet that's what made everything feel so exciting and new.

First taste of love and twist off Smirnoffs.