29

As I was going through my past notes and saved photos of this past year, I came across this gem of a journal entry during the months I didn't feel much like myself.

It was strange to read the words I once felt consume me. 

Reflecting now as time as passed, I don't feel the same way anymore. But somehow the witty stir of words still seem to resonate inside me.

So, here's a glimpse into the person I was last autumn.

---

The number 29 will always have a bittersweet mold on my heart.

I kissed him on the 29 of September,
One week later he left for 29 palms for 35 days.

I escaped the pain through going out and getting my mind off of him.

The further I distanced myself,
The stronger his presence grew in my mind.

I feel for a country boy from the mid west, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But I fell willingly into the arms of someone that wouldn't hug me back.
And am left to carry myself through these hardships.

It was only a matter of time before life caught up to who I was and what I was doing.

I knew what could happen before my actions,
Of course I knew.

I did it all for him.

Just to see his face again.

Just to speak to him again.

To be with him one last time.

But, I already know I'm not going to see him.
He's going to leave again, and not just to 29 palms.

Deployment.

I'm sure it'll break me again,
I'm pretty sure they'll have connection to the world wherever they're stationed,

Yet, I won't be able to see them.

How long will their deployment be?

How many months will they disappear?

This is exactly why I couldn't become involved.

Why didn't someone tell me that when I turned twenty, I would become involved with marines and they would become an addition of mine.

Craving the attention I never had before,
Filling that void where I lacked affection romantically.

They're going to be leaving and I feel like I'm just holding onto these memories,
Since that's all I have of him now.

His empty words, my broken heart and pictures that remind me of our memories of us together.

Still Fallin'

I dated a country boy and fell in love with country love songs, because he made me feel like a soulful melody humming on the strings of a guitar.

Who would've known that when I turn twenty, I would've experienced the lust of fevered kisses, flushed cheeks and destination set hands.

I would've possibly laughed. Then, I would've pondered for a bit, thought about the upcoming months that would've lied before me, then brushed off the idle future that couldn't possibly be mine.

As I drove down the I-5 South, the same freeway that I had driven for the past four months; something about this particular road trip was different. There was no longer an invisible end line, neither was there anything waiting for me at the end of the finish line.

It was just me.

So, now as I'm left with a playlist of my emotions, is it bad to think I had put so much energy into an idea of something, that I had missed the mark of actually experiencing whatever it was I was chasing.

Yes, I continue to reflect on the first time I had met these crazy boys that consumed my mind for the past several months. It was the end of summer and all around us were sandy beaches, Blue Moons and unused bags of charcoal around the fire pit. If I had just known what were to be in store that day, would I really do anything different?

I don't know.

Which is why my eyes looked through the windshield with a new perspective because there was nothing for me this time. I was doing all of this for me. 

There was a new meaning behind this PCH adventure. 

I needed to escape the cloudy gray skies of back home and hear the sound of crashing waves under the warm sun. I also needed to bring a new memory to the sandy summer beaches, and laughter around a bonfire.

Even if that meant a quick escape during finals week to the beach, because no matter how far I go, PCH has its wonders of reminding you of every little detail you just happened to overlook.

Adventures Along San Mateo Road

How do words express the emotions that are pulsing through me.

The alcohol numbs my emotions, but paralyzes me in a state of surrealness.

These guys I have learn to understand, grow and appreciate are now leaving at our grasp.

It's almost as if it's an end.

An, ending of a new chapter. An ending of these past several months. The end to the life of adventures we had all experienced together.

We agreed, no tears. Only laughs and "see you agains" were exchanged.

But, as soon as I stopped by for the fourth time to saw goodbye, it was only then did I know for sure that it was the last time I would see my friends for several months.

They will be gone.

Distance wise of course.

However, how selfish does it sound to say that whenever I'm around the area, I can't just call them to ask them to get together or "come thru".

They won't be able to appear at a random kickback or go bar hopping like we usually do.

This time, they'll be gone for several months and I don't know how to feel.

Why did I let them get under my skin.

Why did I let another marine make me feel emotions.

No.

This time it's different.

These are my friends, my confidantes, mis amigos. Squad.

The other one broke my heart, tore me into two and I watched him fall hopelessly in love with someone else.

He, who will not be named. Sometimes makes me ask myself "what is the difference between her and I?" And, honestly I can't blame him.

We are all at fault somehow in some way, but I do not blame who I was from September through January on someone who couldn't love me, when I so willingly wanted them to. I say "I didn't exist between that time" because it's hard to accept the feeling of being unwanted, rejected and tie the loose ends into a messy goodbye from someone you trusted enough to share your pinky promised secrets with.

I needed to go through whichever experiences life had for me to make me stronger, and allow me to grow; despite the pain that meant I had to face.

Because whatever it is, it's all meant for a reason.

My adventures along San Mateo Road started in hopes of something new, and have ended along the lines of friendship.

I had my first kiss on San Mateo Road, had my heart broken on the cobbled ground, sat passenger to late night drives and endless rounds of laughter. 

I can finally say I understand the term of temporary friends and lifelong friends both at the same time. The only ones worth remembering are the ones you create stronger bonds with than just going out and partying,

I met some of the most loyal, dedicated and hilarious people I have encountered in my twenty years of life so far.

Although, squad will be gone for the next several months, nothing can take away from the adventures I have been able to experience with some of the greatest marines I know. Even if that meant I had to share several of my first experiences of adulthood with temporary fillers.

Tan Lines & 7/11 Slurpees

Life becomes more tolerable when there's a soundtrack behind your emotions.

In the faint murmur of the oceans waves crashing against one another, I felt the breeze sweep the stray hairs into a soft dance by my face.

My once needed oasis, the calming environment that granted me peace now was becoming a distant memory.  It was as if the many adventures I can escaped my world of chaos was now not needed as it once was in my past.

I've learned to come to terms with the chaos in my life, accept the unwanted and make peace with what needed to be.

I have always thought I was trapped, felt suffocated and never had the ability to break free of the mold that grounded me. However, the mold that grounded me were my roots I was so desperately tried to rip from the soil that nurtured me.

What if I was doing all of this to myself unknowingly and now realize once it's considered "too late."

But, it is never too late. Not once, not now, timing has no indicator on who I am or who I am destined to be.

Now as I'm forced to think of my future and who I will be or what I will do, it's okay to not know.

So, I escape to my oasis and find peace in the unknown.

Now, back to where I was about the oceans waves.

There's a sky blue hue kissing the sea shelled sand, while the crisp air complements the radiating sun and the aroma of sunscreen tickles my nose.

I felt high and yet sober at the same time. Intoxicated with the bliss that surrounded me, and free.

As I placed my clothes behind me and entered the water, I hopped over small pebbles and admired the crash of each wave and how it made an echo similar to thunder.

Along the distance it's as though I could see the earth tilt and the Pacific Ocean disappear into the abyss.

People around me fetched for their metal detectors and walked along the sand, while others were parents who held their child's hand along the shore. I on the other hand, had to make sure I reapplied sunscreen every thirty minutes in fear of another sunburn with uncoordinated tan lines.  It was all part of the experience, and yet it all allowed me to forget everything else going on and just breathe.