Falling - Chapter 6

Seeing your name light up on my phone screen had my heart racing and a smile gleaming across my face.

I had missed you, I still do.

However, the happiness in my chest started to fade as I remembered the last time my tear stained cheeks cried into your chest. So close, yet emotionally disconnected.

A wave of uneasiness washes over as I remember the disconnect of you pulling away before ending our relationship stating you needed to go through this alone. How could you want to be alone when we had just grazed our fingertips across each other's bare skin, enveloped in heated kisses and each other's embrace. 

This past month, I've had to learn how to live without you as I was the only one reaching out to check on you, showing through actions that I cared. The anxiety I felt waiting for your response, as hours and days lingered by. You so easily lived without me, while I closed my eyes with each blink and remembered your soft cranberry kisses. Sweet and short lived. 

You walked away.

You chose to no longer want me.

So, why now that I am finally putting myself together and feeling happy again that you feel entitled to walk right back into the place you broke and left willingly.

I still want you, I still miss you and I am haunted of our memories every day. The memories you chose to end and walk away from. How is this any different than the past, than before?

Inconsistent communication, confused emotions, not knowing exactly where you stand are all conflicting dilemmas in your paradox of attempts to reenter what you left.

I miss you, I really do. The sound of your laugh, the way your eyes crinkle as the corner of your lips fold into a smile. How your eyebrows are furrowed together when concentrated on a task at hand, the feeling of my palm in your hand, our fingers intertwined, your lips on my skin, and how my heart beat accelerated as I got lost in your eyes. Those soft hazel eyes that pierced right through me.

I blink the tears away and look at your message and close my phone. It's not worth the heartbreak again, you haven't shown me anything to believe this time is different, or that you are not able to cause the same amount of pain again.

Falling, it sounds silly but I fell for the sound of your voice and soft hums you made while lost in thought. So, I go back to my memories because at least there, maybe what we had was real.

Amor Propio

As I sit here on the same plush cushioned chair and gaze out clear glass-pained windows, I feel peace.

I am proud of myself. I'm proud of the growth I have developed within myself this year.

The two characters I have thought of for years made their way back into my mind recently. This time their story was new and unique as two mature adults recognizing their love was genuine, but they were not destined to ever be together.

Is there a sense of similarity to my own story? Except my own love is myself, mi amor propio, and what I feel for myself within.

How do I honor these two characters? Similar to being human, they are flawed, flawed with mistakes, misspoken words, and empty promises.

I have been pouring into myself lately, filling my own glass of happiness and reminding myself that I am valuable. My value is not determined by any man, reassurance is not needed by another person, and the only validation needed is from myself within.

It's the middle of October and I am blessed this year. 

I am not hiding behind tear-stained cheeks and the emotion of emptiness in my chest. Previous main characters in my story of life a year ago no longer exist in this sequel, as they are distant reminders of what once was.

The woman I am now is deserving of kindness, respect, humility, and genuine intentions - something I was stripped of with past characters in my life then. Taken advantage of and discarded like I didn't matter after giving all of myself to people who abused my value for their benefit.

Now, I stand tall reclaiming my self-love, and walk with confidence as I am not frightened of ghosts from my past. Because when you move with genuine intentions, the truth will always prevail and there is no need to hide from the truth - if anything, it'll shine light on other people's skeletons and showcase clarity on reality.

Falling - Chapter 5

The space filled in my chest is a reminder of the emotions that existed, that I could feel again. Are two people whose paths cross and are illuminated, could they be pulled together by invisible strings? Coming together occasionally to remember they are meant to be in each other's lives?

Daniel was the wholesome sweet kindhearted man with genuine intentions, lips soft like feather kisses and warmth similar to the sun on a sunny beach day. The sharp inhale of knives slicing their way across my heart when our romance ended was bearable, not intolerable, but discomforting and a harsh reality similar to a cold plunge in a pool during winter.

I believed his words, I believed the idea of waiting for him and the idea he meant every word he spoke. I wanted to hold onto his words, I clung to the last remaining emotions I had left by rereading messages and smiling at pictures of us both.

I would be reminded of the harsh reality that not everyone's words match their actions, despite how much confianza we want to have in them. Or, in him.