Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Open Letter

An open letter to the man I love,

What I really think is that along the lines of friendship I fell for you, and began to like you. Once you clearly stated it was never happening, for a long time I hoped that it would change but it didn’t. I care for you, but not as in wanting more, but wanting the friendship of having someone to talk too and tell them everything of what’s going on because in a way you were my best guy friend I never had. I learned a lot about myself from you and grew into who I am, and picked up traits, humor, and sayings from you. I’m scared to say I invested a lot of who I am emotionally in you as a person because I hoped a long time ago that your feelings would change. Although of course we’re just friends like we’ve always been, it’s like a sense of comfort with you, approachable but still recognizing boundaries. 

When I see you now, I think of someone who has faced challenges of life, finances, family, friendships and challenges I know you don’t like to talk about, but I also see my best friend. The guy that fell asleep watching el Chavo when I first met him, who sleeps with his knees up and is family oriented. You talked about your future as if you’re ready to start that next chapter, and your face just lights up into this bright smile because you know how close you are to meeting that new part of your life. When you laugh you have this small chuckle you make, and when you cry, it’s because you care. You’re my best friend and I’m glad you shared those parts of you with me because you’re a twenty seven year old man, young at heart and spirit.

That’s the person I see when I look at you and when I’m around you and that’s the person I care about, because that’s the man I know.

Wednesday, January 23, 2019

About Last Night

Here beside you, I feel this dull ache in me. It's quite hard to explain, because even though our bodies lie here beside one another, I feel so alone.

Last night, I couldn't help but feel this change, similar to a broken routine, and silent heartbreak.

Is it possible to still be with you while my mind and emotions feel miles away?

I don't want to care about you anymore, I'd rather forget your existence so long as this numbness continues. I fear for the day I realize you no longer need me, and are okay with me leaving.

You don't care enough for more, the more I so desperately need.

So, all I need is for myself to relearn how to be enough for just me. 

My breaths become shorter and my smiles turn into silent acknowledgments, because nothing seems to matter anymore. It feels like I'm starting all over again and forgot how to play this game of life.

I don't know where to start, and even though I'm not ready, I know for myself emotionally, it's finally time to leave you.